


My Secret Heart

by storyspinner70



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jared, Genderqueer Jared, Homophobic Language, Light Angst, M/M, OCD Jensen, Schmoop, Top Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 19:55:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11192298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyspinner70/pseuds/storyspinner70
Summary: Jared isn’t obsessed with Jensen Ackles. Except, you know, that he really kind of is. A moment of clumsiness brings him into Jensen's life and they start a tentative friendship. As they get closer, they learn exactly how true the old adage is – you can never judge a book by its cover. He learns how Jensen struggles with OCD and the nightmare the world can be for him. He also learns Jensen is a safe place for him to lay his own secrets, and that not everyone will laugh at an all american college boy who, some days, wants nothing more than to be beautiful.College age AU. Reduced age gap boys. Genderqueer!Jared, OCD!Jensen, Not a cross dressing fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Fic title:** My Secret Heart

 **Author name:** storyspinner70

 **Artist name:** meesasometimes

 **Genre:** RPS

 **Pairing:** Jensen/Jared

 **Rating:** NC-17

 **Word count:** 25,154

 **Warnings:** bottom!Jared, top!Jensen, OCD!Jensen, genderqueer!Jared, m/m, light angst, homophobia

 **Summary:** Jared isn’t obsessed with Jensen Ackles. Except, you know, that he really kind of is. A moment of clumsiness brings him into Jensen's life and they start a tentative friendship. As they get closer, they learn exactly how true the old adage is – you can never judge a book by its cover. He learns how Jensen struggles with OCD and the nightmare the world can be for him. He also learns Jensen is a safe place for him to lay his own secrets, and that not everyone will laugh at an all american college boy who, some days, wants nothing more than to be beautiful.

College age AU. Reduced age gap boys. Genderqueer!Jared, OCD!Jensen, Not a cross dressing fic.

 **Link to fic:**[Ao3 **  
**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11192298/)**Link to art:** [Art for My Secret Heart](http://meesasometimes.livejournal.com/92330.html)

 **A/N:** This is my first SPN/J2 Big Bang, and I want to apologize in advance. :D I don't know where this idea came from, but it wouldn't let me go, so here we are. I was so lucky to get an amazing artist who is not only nice and funny but does work in some truly fascinating mediums. If you don't know [meesasometimes](http://meesasometimes.livejournal.com/)' work, you're missing out. Go check her out! Shoo, go...well, after you check out the art and my story, maybe. Speaking of art, I forgot to ask her for chapter seperators so those are my fault, and she is not to blame. Also, I apologize for stealing from you to make them, meesasometimes. I also absolutely lucked out with an editor. [jdl71](http://jdl71.livejournal.com/) was absolutely amazing with wading through my obsessive love of commas, run on sentences and the word 'and'. Thanks so much for helping turn this jumble into something legible! I use songs in my fic here and there. They'll be hyperlinked so you can open them in another window if you'd like to listen along.

Okay y'all. Here we go. Full speed ahead.

 

 

**MY SECRET HEART**

 

Jared isn’t staring. He’s not. _He’s not_. He is glancing. Discreetly. Well, since Jensen takes that moment to smile widely at Jared, maybe not _that_ discreetly. But whatever.

Jensen isn’t Jared’s type. He wears sweaters, sweater vests and button down shirts, and the glasses he sports from time to time are NOT hot. At all. Not even a little.

Jared sighs. He’s a lying liar who lies and he needs to stop. And he needs to stop soon, before his ridiculous obsession becomes even more obvious to the subject of said obsession. He knows all this. He knows it like he knows every sweet spot on the basketball court and the fact that beanies are the greatest invention ever created, barely beating out cheeseburgers, sour ribbon candy and flip flops.

But he can’t stop. He’s tried. _God knows_ he’s tried. But Jensen is probably the most gorgeous person Jared has ever seen in person. He had the absolute _nerve_ to also be one of the smartest and funniest to boot.

Jared jumped a bit when his phone alarm beeped. Thank god lunch was over. He wouldn't be able to stare at Jensen again until Friday. Surely, he could convince himself by then to lay off. Right? ‘Right,’ he snorted to himself, jumping up from his seat.

Gathering his tray and his backpack he turned quickly to get rid of his garbage and get to his next class. He never made it to the trashcan. As he turned, he felt resistance against his arm and the tray in his hands. The pained gasp that followed clued him in that that resistance was, indeed, another body.

“No, no, no, no...” Jared chanted, sweeping his eyes up slowly to see who he’d run into. And there it was: a heather grey and green sweater vest now soaked with Jared’s left over milk and tapioca pudding. “No, no, no, no...” _Dammit._ Jared Padalecki, Karma’s little bitch, had plowed right into the very object of his obsession.

Jared absolutely did _not_ squeak with mortification like a fifteen year old bumping into his latest crush. Nor did he babble excuses, drop his tray onto his seat and kneel at Jensen's feet dabbing at his now dripping shirt with napkins. _Really_ , he didn’t. What he did do, however, was straighten stiffer than a board when hands clamped over the one of his frantically blotting at Jensen's shirt.

“Jared. It’s okay. Things happen. I’m going to need you to get up, though, Jared, and I’m _really_ going to need you to take your hand off my junk.” Jensen's voice was smooth and seemed not only a little deeper than normal, but also oddly strangled.

Jared stared in horror at his offending hand, and it was, indeed, resting on – no, to be more precise, cupped over – Jensen's dick. “I...” he started, at a loss to figure out what to do or what to say. Jensen’s cock twitched under Jared’s frozen fingers and that spurred him into motion. Jared threw himself backward, smacking his head on the seat he’d just vacated.

“Jared!” Jensen reached for Jared, running his fingers over the back of Jared’s head, filtering the strands through his fingers a little more than was strictly necessary. But maybe not. Jared could just be hallucinating. God please let him be hallucinating. Or this just be one really fucked up nightmare. That would be okay too. “Are you okay?”

“No?”

“Jared?” Jensen crouched down in front of Jared, lifting Jared’s chin to look in his eyes. “I didn’t feel a bump, but are you dizzy? Does it hurt?”

“My head is fine, Jensen, thanks,” Jared gently pulled his chin out of Jensen's fingers. “I’m just...” He trailed off as he looked down at the ground, fumbling with his tshirt. “...embarrassed.”

“Oh, Jared. Don’t be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us.”

“Hah!”

Jensen laughed, stood, then waved his hand in front of Jared’s still down-turned face. “Come on, big boy, you’re going to be late for class and I’m definitely late for a wash and dry.”

Jared tentatively took Jensen's hand and let him pull him up. “Sorry, Jensen.”

Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand and stepped a little closer to him. “Don’t worry about it Jared. It’s good to talk to you for a change.” Stepping back, he grimaced a little and tugged on his shirt. “I’ll just call Jeff and see if he will bring me over another shirt.” Jensen mused, mostly to himself. “See you around, Jared.”

All Jared could do was wave.

“Stop laughing.”

“I...I can’t…”

“Oh fuck you, Chris.”

“No thanks and besides, I’m not your _lova boy_ , Jared. No sex for you.”

“I swear to god, Chris...”

“Keep god out of your...” More laughter. “...your sordid sex life, you heathen.”

“I have no sex life Chris, sordid or otherwise.”

Chris tried to stop laughing, really he did. It took Steve smacking him upside the head and brandishing one of Jensen's bigger wrenches to shut him up.

“Besides, maybe it was fate, stepping in to stop me from making a fool of myself. Jared may not even be gay!”

“Have you seen the sheer amount of pink in that boy’s wardrobe?” Chris asked, clearly not afraid to fall back on stereotypes to make his point.

“And, I’m just throwing this out there, but the fact he’s at every GSA meeting combined with his love for all things pink and that hair…”

“Shut up, Steve. He could very well be the S in the Gay Straight Alliance and have really bad taste in clothes.”

“And his hair?”

“I like his hair. And it’s really soft. You can tell he really takes care of...” Jensen cleared his throat, “and so what if he is gay? That doesn’t mean he likes me.”

Chris and Steve glanced at each other. “Jensen. Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows Jared has an enormous crush on you.”

Jensen scoffed.

“I swear to god, son, people that don’t even know what gay _is_ know Jared’s in love with you. Ask any random person that’s ever seen Jared when you’re anywhere in the vicinity.”

“Why hasn’t he ever talked to me then?”

“Because he’s too busy staring at you like a creeper and plotting how to soak you with cow by-products and pudding so he can grope your ass loving cock?”

Steve knocked Chris again while Jensen said almost absently, “Don’t talk shit about him. He’s far from a creeper. Besides, I haven’t seen him staring.”

“Dude, probably because you’re too busy mooning over his giant ass and figuring out how long until it’s proper to start the adoption process so you can have fabulous gay babies with him! Well, I guess technically,” he mused, “the babies wouldn’t be gay, just you and your creeper boyfriend.”

“That’s it!” Jensen dropped the tools he’d been holding and lunged for Chris. Chris squeaked and threw himself just out of reach, running and laughing.

“Truth hurts, doesn’t it! Jared and Jensen sitting in a tree...K-I-S-S...aaaargh...”

If Jensen jumped a bit harder than was strictly necessary and landed on Chris with a little more knee and elbow than was fair, who was going to say anything?

Jared dreaded lunch. Maybe he should head to one of the other restaurants on campus from now on. Undoubtedly, Jensen had long ago shared his story about Jared and his lunch time assault. Jared was not looking forward to the looks that inevitably came when he did something so unbearably clumsy. Sometimes it was pity. People understood. Jared, still a little gangly, his limbs – stretched like taffy since he was seventeen – grew muscled but stayed slim and felt like someone else’s. He thought two years would be plenty for him to grow into them, but that apparently was a dream for someone else.

Sometimes it was exasperation. Especially from his momma. Sometimes it was a kind of malicious glee. For everyone that loved Jared – for his caring, sunny demeanor, his prowess and absolute lack of clumsiness on the basketball court, or for his ease and willingness to help anyone on campus – there were people who were simply waiting for him to fail. For these people, his humiliation was like manna from heaven.

Jared wasn’t looking forward to seeing any of those on Jensen’s face, or those of Jensen's friends. Maybe he should eat off campus. From now on. Forever. Huffing a deep breath, Jared stepped into the cafeteria. Jensen hadn’t made it to lunch yet, and no one seemed to be looking at him any differently than usual. Jared quickly made his way to the line and then to a seat off to himself for a change.

A few minutes later, Jared heard Jensen's laughter growing louder as he enter the cafeteria. Jared resolutely did not look up. That was probably why the hand clapped onto his shoulder caused him to jerk upright suddenly, his head banging into the person behind him. “Oww.” Jared twisted around to see who had touched him, only to catch a glimpse of Jensen juggling his tray to make sure nothing fell. “Jensen?”

“Hiya Jared. Sorry I startled you. And about your head. Again.”

“It’s...It’s okay Jensen. Momma says I’m really hard-headed. I barely even felt it.” _Jesus, how awkward could he be? What was he, twelve? Momma says. God._

Jensen just laughed and after a second’s hesitation, ran his free hand over Jared’s head again. “Still no bump, at least.”

Jared dropped his head and smiled. “Naw.”

“Can I sit with you?”

“Of course.” Jared expected Jensen to pick a seat across from him, but Jensen dropped down right next to him, his calf pressing against Jared’s for a moment. Jared chewed on his lip, too distracted by the touch to catch what Jensen was saying. Eventually though, he got back into the flow of things and even managed to answer Jensen when he was supposed to.

It became a habit for them to eat together at least three times a week. Jensen was even smarter, funnier and more gorgeous than Jared had thought. Jared was so fucked.

Jared was hilarious, caring and smart as a whip. It was all Jensen could do not to jump on him in the middle of the campus cafeteria, causing a scandal that would destroy both their educational futures and doom them to a life of entry level jobs from now on. The pretty reasonable assumption that he’d never see Jared again if he managed that, was the only thing that stopped him. He was never going to survive these lunches. Not a chance in hell.

Funny thing though, honestly, neither one of them could bring themselves to stop.

**

“So, I’m having a thing at my house this weekend. Would you like to come?”

“At...your house? This weekend? A thing?”

“Yes, Jared. A thing. This weekend. At my house.” Jensen smiled, his mouth soft and the look in his eyes fond as he smirked at Jared.

“I...Of course. Yeah. I’ll be there.”

“Great. Here, let me text you directions. It’ll be Saturday. Sixish.”

Jared felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and clasped his hand over it. “Okay.”

Jensen laughed. “I’m gonna go tell Chris and Steve. See you tomorrow, Jared.”

Jensen told him before he told his closest friends. That had to mean something didn’t it? Nah, probably not. Jared was probably just closer at the time. That’s all.

Still, if Jared was maybe happier than normal even for him, for the rest of the week, that was no one’s business but his own.

**

“What are you doing?”

“This house is a mess!”

“Excuse me?”

“Has the floor here ever seen a vacuum?”

“The floor _underneath_ the couch?”

“And, speaking of, look at the couch! Ugh, so, Jensen what color is your sofa? Oh, well, that’s a very special color, thanks for asking! It’s a custom mixture of grease, oil and dirt! Do you like it?”

“Boy, have you lost your mind?”

“I have people coming over tomorrow. I’m just trying to make it look less...” Jensen trailed off.

“People coming over, huh? Like who?”

“Chris and Steve and Jason and,” Jensen cleared his throat. “Jared.”

Jeff nodded, comprehension clearing the frown off his face. “I see.”

“You see what?”

“Well, Chris, Steve and Jason have been over here approximately one million times, so, I’m going to assume this,” Jeff waved his hand around the living room, “sudden obsession you have with under furniture cleanliness doesn’t have anything to do with _them_.”

Jensen popped upright as he caught Jeff’s emphasis on that last word. Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “And what exactly are you implying? Maybe I just want the house to be neat for once!”

“I’m not implying shit, boy. I’m saying it flat out. You’ve lost your damn mind over this boy.”

“Hah!” Jensen scoffed. “I’m just trying to make sure he’s comfortable for his first visit. Is there anything wrong with that?”

“Look Jensen. I get it. You know I get it. I do the best I can to keep things right for you. But this has nothing to do with the dust underneath the chair.”

Jensen sighed and dropped down into the offending chair. “No, it doesn’t.”

“So what’s going on?”

“I kind of,” Jensen paused, gnawing on his lower lip. “I kind of maybe like Jared and want to bang him like a drum.”

“You don’t say.”

“Shut up. Don’t act like you know anything.”

“Boy, the day I brought you that clean shirt, you talked non-stop about Jared the entire twenty minutes I was there. Honestly, why you’d think I’d be interested in how soft his hair is, I have no idea.”

“I did _not_ tell you about his hair!”

Jeff swapped his tone, bringing it a little higher, clearly imitating Jensen. “Thanks for bringing me the shirt, Jeff. I was so glad you were home. Did I mention that Jared is the prettiest princess in the whole school and his hair is long and soft and beautiful? I did? Well, let me remind you because it’s been about ten seconds!”

Jensen narrowed his eyes again, clearly plotting the older man’s death. Jeff just grinned.

“It’s cute, kid.” Jensen opened his mouth, preparing for a rant of epic proportions about how there is _clearly_ not a cute thing about him and at twenty one he is _far_ from a kid, when Jeff held up one hand, interrupting the impending storm. “I know, I know, and so is Jared.”

Suddenly, Jensen really had nothing to argue about. With a shrug, he went back to scrubbing underneath the furniture.

Jeff watched him for a moment, a slightly worried look on his face, then he turned and walked outside.

Jared loved living in Texas. When it came time to choose a college, Trinity University was his first and favorite choice. His mom and dad sat him down, slightly concerned looks on their faces, and talked to him about growing up and questioned him on why he didn’t want to go away from home to school like everyone else he knew.

Jared shrugged, and explained he liked San Antonio. He didn’t need to leave the city to grow up. He could do it just as well where he was. He assured them he wouldn’t be living at their house forever and it’s not like he wouldn’t travel and see the world as he could. He was just content where he was.

It didn’t stop them from asking again and again, but he assured them the best he could and went on with his plans. Trinity University was everything he’d expected. The commute wasn’t terrible. He could pick from the liberal and fine art classes he wanted. And there weren’t too many students for him to get lost in a crowd and not too few for him to stand out too much either.

And then Jensen Ackles walked into one of his theater classes and smiled at him. He was beautiful. Two years older than Jared and two lifetimes wiser. His love of sweater vests and button down shirts doing nothing to hide the sheer width of his shoulders and the sleek muscles shifting under his clothes as he moved.

Jensen was not from San Antonio originally, but moved there two years ago. He’d started his career at Trinity as pre-med, but shifted his focus after his second year. Jared knew all this, more even, but had never spoken directly to Jensen. He tried a couple times, but figured the humiliation of being rejected by someone like Jensen wasn’t worth the chance he might be wrong. So Jared settled for staring at him not so discreetly any time he saw him on campus.

And now Jared was on his way to Jensen's house. He still wasn’t sure what he’d done right in his life but he wasn’t going to let the chance go by. He sat in his car for a moment, ran his sweaty hands over his jeans and prayed for the day to go well.

One of Jensen's friends answered the door and waved Jared in. “Jen! Your...” He paused for just a moment, “guest is here! Get out here!”

“Chris, I swear to god...”

“I’m not doing shit! Finish up being neurotic and get in here!”

Jensen came out of the kitchen with two beers and a bad attitude. He elbowed Chris in the head as he passed and stopped in front of Jared, handing him a beer. “Hey. Glad you made it.”

“Thanks for inviting me,” Jared smiled, tucked his hair behind his ear and played with the lid on the beer bottle to avoid staring at Jensen’s gorgeous face.

“You’re welcome anytime, Jared.” Jensen just wanted to cup Jared’s chin and lift his face to his. Shy Jared was going to kill Jensen dead. Jensen was just about to say fuck it and reach up when he heard Chris snort behind him. “Make yourself comfortable, Jared. I’ll be right back.”

“Sure,” Jared started, a bit shocked when he looked up to see Jensen hauling a squawking Chris out of the room in a chokehold. “Um...”

“Don’t worry about it, Jared. Jensen won’t kill him. Probably won’t even be any major injuries.” Jared turned wide eyes to the door, then back to the man who’d spoken to him. “I’m Steve. I’ve seen you around school. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too man, thanks.”

“Hey man, I’m Jason. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“About me?”

“Don’t make me drag your ass out too, Jason.” Jensen had swaggered back in, startling Jared for a moment.

“Where’s Chris?”

“He’s manning the grill. Far, far away from us for now.”

Jared raised both brows, but said nothing. “Food!” Jared suddenly exclaimed, “I’ll be right back.”

Jensen frowned, watching as Jared ran out the door. A moment later, he was back, a plastic wrapped plate in his hands. “My momma taught me you never come to a party empty handed, so, I, uh, I made cookies.”

Jensen was staring at the plate in Jared’s hands, making no effort to take it as Jared held it out to him. “You...you baked me cookies?”

“They’re just peanut butter cookies. Nothing fancy, but they’re my favorite, and momma always said...” Jared’s voice trailed off when Jensen did nothing but stare at the plate in Jared’s hands.

“Is there something wrong?” Jared could see that Steve and Jason watched Jensen very carefully. “I can take them back. It’s okay Jensen. It was silly, anyway.”

Jared turned to take the cookies back, but a hand on his arm stopped him. “No, Jared, it wasn’t silly at all. No one’s made me cookies since my mom when I was little.” Jensen grabbed for the plate, unwrapped a corner and lifted out a cookie. The bite he took seemed almost deliberately large and the way he looked at Steve and Jason as he did almost made Jared shiver.

There was a new weight to the room and Jared felt like he’d missed something important. But then Jensen beamed at him, told him how good his cookies were and Jared suddenly didn’t care what he’d missed. Jensen was happy and Jared was the reason why. There wasn’t anything else he needed to know.

“I’m gonna put these in the kitchen, Jared. Sit down and watch the game with the guys. I’ll be right back.”

Steve and Jason stared at the door Jensen had just walked through, then turned their gazes to Jared. Jared raised both brows and opened his beer. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

“So, Jared, how long have you known Jensen?”

“Not going to happen Steve.”

“Just making conversation, Jen.”

“How about we focus on what’s important, shall we?”

“And what would that be, exactly?”

“The game, of course. And meat.”

“Of course.”

Jared silently drank his beer, and wondered why it seemed like only half of Jensen and Steve’s conversation had been said out loud. He figured if he kept his eyes on the football game and pretended like he wasn’t interested in exactly what was going on here, everything would be just fine. He sure hoped so, anyway.

Thing was, it kind of did. Whatever was going on with Jensen and his friends seemed to calm down and Jared was having a good time. Chris had wandered back in. After a silent and narrow eyed conversation with Jensen, had settled down on the couch as the meat sizzled away on the grill.

**

Jared had just finished his beer and moved to set the bottle on the coffee table in front of him. Steve, Chris and Jason all made some kind of noise and Jared froze. Jensen glared at them, but reached over to the side of the table and handed Jared a coaster.

“Ignore them, Jared, they’re dicks, but I’ve got...a thing. I’d appreciate it if you would use a coaster.”

“Okay, sure. No problem, Jensen. I’ll do my best to remember.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Sure.”

“I’m gonna check the meat,” Chris announced. “The last of it should be done. Come help me Jensen.”

“Help you do what? Steaks too heavy for you to put on a plate? Ribs too much for you?”

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at Chris in what looked like a challenge. Jared wondered again what was going on. They always seemed to get along great on campus. Jared couldn’t help but be a little paranoid that whatever was going on had to be somehow tied to his appearance in Jensen’s home.

“You wanna do this here? Cause I will.”

“You do and it’ll be the last time you step foot in this house.”

“Hey,” Jared stood up. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m starting to feel like it’s my fault. I...I’ll head out if I need to.”

“It’s not your fault, Jared, it’s just people thinking they know better than I do about my own life. Come outside with me, and we’ll finish the food up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. It’ll give these assholes enough time to figure out how to apologize for making you feel like you’re not welcome here.”

“Jensen...” Chris started.

“Come on Jared.”

“I didn’t mean to cause any trouble, if I did.”

“You didn’t. Jared,” Jensen paused for a moment, flipping and testing the meat on the grill. “There are things going on that you don’t know. Things like the coasters. I have a lot of...things.”

“Okay...”

“They’re not trying to be giant assholes, I promise. They’re just trying to look out for you _and_ for me.”

“Will you tell me about it sometime? When you know me better?”

“Yeah.”

“And you swear I’m not causing problems between you and your friends?”

“Pinky swear.”

Jared laughed. “Okay, then.”

Jensen turned from the grill. “And you won’t leave?”

“With steak and ribs like these at my fingertips? I’d be crazy to.”

“And you’ll come back?”

“Every time you ask me to.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

**

An hour later, the food was gone. Chris and Steve had apologized to Jared, and assured him they hadn’t meant for him to feel bad and certainly didn’t want him to leave. They had unpacked their guitars and were lazily playing and singing.

“You play, Jared?”

“A little. I’m not that good, but I’m learning.”

Jensen smiled and added, “Do you sing, Jared?”

“Not all that well.”

“Oh, good question, Jensen.”

“Shut up, Steve.”

Jason leaned over to Jared and loudly whispered, “He’s just mad cause he doesn’t want you to know he sings.”

“I have no compunction about murdering my so-called friends in cold blood, you know.”

“Jensen’s kind of shy when it comes to singing.”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“ _Sure_ we can,” Chris said. “We can talk about what you’re going to sing.”

“Or we can just not speak at all. I like that idea better.”

“Jensen?” Jared started, a little hesitantly. “I’d really like to hear you sing.”

Jensen stared at him for a minute. “Sure, Jared, sure. Just don’t blame me when your ears start bleeding.”

“What do you want to sing, Jen?”

“How about a little Joe Cocker? [Have a Little Faith](https://youtu.be/pwOg88GMmbA).”

“You got it.”

_When the road gets dark_

_And you can no longer see_

_Just let my love throw a spark_

_And have a little faith in me_

 

_And when the tears you cry_

_Are all you can believe_

_Just give these loving arms a try_

_And have a little faith in me_

 

Jensen’s voice was mellow with edges of roughness, blending perfectly with Chris and Jason’s smooth backing vocals.

 

_When your secret heart_

_Cannot speak so easily_

_Come here darlin'_

_From a whisper start_

_To have a little faith in me_

 

_When the road gets dark_

_And you can no longer see_

_Just let my love throw a spark_

_And have a little faith in me_

Jensen didn’t know, of course, he couldn’t have any idea. But Jared did have a secret heart. There were things he wanted – things he could never have – things he shouldn’t even want. Maybe he would find someone he could have faith in. His breath hitched in the moment of stillness when the song was done.

“That was, beautiful, Jensen. Thank you guys for sharing that with me.”

“When are you going to play with us, Jared?”

Jared ducked his head. “Oh, I don’t know, Jason, I don’t know much and I’m not that good. I mostly figure stuff out as I go.”

“It’s okay, buddy, we’ll help you learn.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jared nodded, trying to hide his too big smile. “I’d like that.”

Jensen cleared his throat. “I’m gonna grab another beer. Anyone else want one?”

They all agreed and Jared stood. “I’ll help you.”

Jensen smiled and gestured him forward, his hand resting briefly on the small of Jared’s back. Jared basked in the touch and would have been happy to have it for the rest of the night – the rest of his life actually, if he was being honest. When they reached the kitchen, Jared stopped for a bit at the counter.

“Jensen?” He started hesitantly. “I really like your singing. I’d like to hear it more.”

Jensen stepped in front of him, smoothing Jared’s hair back behind his ear without thinking His fingertips lingered on the curve of Jared’s jaw under his ear. “Thank you, Jared.”

“You’re welcome.”

“And thank you for coming today. It...It meant a lot to me.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” They stood there, close in the gloom of the kitchen. Moonlight painted stripes through the darkness, and they stared until the others trooped back in, breaking the silence with mutterings about rain. They decided the sudden change in weather was a sign to head home.

Jared lingered on the porch. “See you soon, Jensen.”

“Soon, Jared.” That was a fact.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Jared became a regular fixture at Jensen's and Jensen was over the moon. Jared was sweet, wickedly funny, and super smart. He was also adorable. He wasn’t above pouting when he didn’t get his way or when one of the other men were harassing him, and it was all Jensen could do not to kiss him when he did. 

They were all listlessly watching a movie one afternoon when Jeff came in and dropped a box in Jensen's lap. “Your carb is here.” 

“Yes! Y’all can head to the garage. I’m gonna change then get this carb rebuilt. Be back in a second.” 

Jared had seen Jensen's car before, but never up close. The 67 Impala was beautiful. The paint was dull and cracked but the body was solid and straight. Jared was running his hands over a fender when he heard Jensen come into the garage. And then promptly became brain dead. 

Jensen had a fondness for button down shirts and sweater vests and Jared, no matter how vehemently he denied it, loved them. Obviously, Jensen couldn’t rebuild a carburetor in a sweater vest. Of course not. Jared knew that, in a kind of visceral way. But when Jensen came swaggering into the garage wearing a worn white tank, camo pants and heavy work boots, Jared forgot how to speak for a second. Or two. 

Jensen had tattoos. 

Jensen had...tattoos. 

Jensen... _had tattoos._

And Jared, well, bless his heart. Jared was currently broken. 

Jensen's thin tank did nothing to hide the vibrant colors of his tattoos from Jared’s eyes. 

On the right side of Jensen’s chest was a snarling creature – some kind of monster or demon. It curved over Jensen's shoulder and extended onto his back. His spectral hand reached toward Jensen’s heart, but he wasn’t quite able to reach it. Between Jensen’s heart and the demon, there was a line drawing of what looked like a chemical symbol. The only part of Jared’s brain that was still working tried to remember what he could see of the tattoo to try to find the specific compound later. 

Beneath the symbol, a ladder stretched up from Jensen's stomach, a person standing on a rung near the middle, reaching up for the chemical compound. They were beautiful and Jared was moving before he could think about it. Jensen smiled at him as he approached, but his face became shuttered when he saw Jared was reaching out. 

Jared held his breath and ran his fingertip over part of the creature on Jensen's shoulder. He could tell the others stood frozen and wary, but he was only concentrating on Jensen right now. Jensen was staring at Jared, stone faced. Jared stared right back, his whole heart in his eyes. 

Jensen finally smiled a little and tucked a strand of loose hair behind Jared’s ear. “If you’re gonna help, you might want to put that up, or throw on one of your infernal beanies.” 

Jared grinned and ran outside to his car to get one. 

Jensen stared at his friends, daring them to say anything. No one did. 

“Jared.” 

Jared swallowed the mouthful of sandwich he had. “Jensen.” 

“If I needed to tell you something. Something important. Could I?” 

“Yeah.” Jared paused. “Could I?” 

“Yeah.” 

** 

Jared was yawning, settled into Jensen’s sofa after a night of movie watching. Jensen should have woken him up and sent him on his way long ago, but was enjoying sleepy, sweet Jared too much to let him go. It wasn’t long until Jared slipped into sleep and slowly listed toward Jensen, laying his head on Jensen's shoulder. Jensen left him there until the end of the movie. 

Jensen took a deep breath and took a chance, sliding his hand through Jared’s hair. “Sweetheart? Wake up, sweetheart.” 

Jared muttered and stirred. “Jensen? Oh, no, I fell asleep. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Jared. Why don’t you text your mom and stay here for the night.” 

“Hmm. That sounds good. Thanks, Jensen.” 

Jared quickly texted his parents and stood, stretching as he went. “Where should I sleep? Here on the couch?” 

“No way, stretch. You’d be miserable in the morning. I can’t even sleep on that thing for long. Come on, you can bunk in with me.” 

‘Oh god’, Jared thought. ‘This is gonna suck. No way this is going to go well.’ Jared just smiled a pained smile and followed Jensen upstairs, croaking out a thank you along the way. Jared stripped to his boxer briefs, deliberately not looking at Jensen who was doing the same. Jared also took some time to lecture his dick on how important it was to keep his borderline creepy obsession to himself and hoped it listened. ‘Well,’ he thought, crawling in Jensen's bed, ‘here goes nothing.’ 

Jensen wasn’t in any better shape, and they spent the first few minutes lying stiffly on their respective sides of the bed, not daring to touch. Slowly, they drifted off to sleep. 

Jared woke up in the morning, a solid weight spread all along his back. He was sweaty and over warm, and he was pretty sure he’d drooled in his sleep. Grimacing, he shifted a bit so he could tell how much leeway he had to move. Jensen grunted and squeezed Jared tighter, his morning hard on nestled against Jared’s ass. Jared gritted his teeth and tried again to move away from Jensen. 

Jensen stirred again and muttered “Jared. Shhh. Be still.” settled down again and was quickly back asleep. Jared was stuck. He couldn’t exactly take care of Jensen’s obvious morning issue, no matter how much he might want to. He couldn’t take care of his own _very_ obvious morning wood, either. Jensen would _probably_ notice someone jacking off in the bed next to him, no matter how much he obviously like his sleep. Jared lay stiffly for a few minutes, then simply couldn’t lie there any longer. 

“Jensen.” 

“Hmm.” 

“Jensen.” 

“Uh.” 

“Jensen!” 

“What, Jared, what!” 

“I have to pee!” 

“Oh, shit. Fuck. Sorry. I’m just all over you aren’t I? Damn.” Jensen shifted, letting Jared climb out of the bed before he fell right back where he was, already back asleep. Jared shook his head and went to take his not so little problem in hand. 

Once he was back in control of his dick, Jared was back in Jensen’s room, not sure if he should get dressed and leave or climb back in with Jensen. He didn’t have anywhere else to be this morning, but he wasn’t sure if Jensen would really want him to stay or not. Jared chewed his thumbnail, trying to decide. 

Like always, Jensen settled it for him, groaning and lifting the sheet. “Come on. Sleep. Early. More.” 

Laughing, Jared snuggled down and was asleep in a few minutes. 

** 

Jensen was already up and out of the bed when Jared woke up next. Jared silently thanked the heavens he’d made it through the entire night without embarrassing himself in front of Jensen. The last thing he wanted to do was to mess up his relationship with Jensen. 

Jared stretched and smiled to himself, then rolled over and smashed his face into Jensen's pillow, wiggling his body into the place where Jensen slept, willing his body to soak up Jensen's very scent. 

“Having fun, Jared?” 

Jared froze, his body in the middle of a long undulating wave against Jensen's side of the sheets. “Mmpf.” 

“Is that a yes?” Jensen asked, voice fond with laughter at the edges. 

“No, it’s a ‘go away I’m still waking up and I don’t wanna talk to you right now unless you’re here to tell me you made me breakfast in which case I’ll be right there as soon as I get dressed for the day’.” 

“Wow, you fit a lot into one syllable, don’t you?” 

“I’m a talented guy.” 

“I bet you are.” 

Jared jerked his head up at that, but Jensen was already leaving the room. 

Fifteen minutes later, Jared walked downstairs. His hair was shower damp against his neck like a heavy hand, moisture pooled in the dip of his collarbones – water from his shower now, soon to be sweat from the sweltering heat outside. 

“Well, hello, sleeping beauty. Want some pancakes?” 

Jared dropped his head like he always seemed to do around Jensen, desperate for him not to see how pleased Jensen's words made him. “Yes, please.” 

Jensen made him a plate and waved him to the refrigerator. “Get what you want to drink. Mi casa, su...whatever...” 

Jared laughed. “Thanks, Jensen.” 

“What are your plans for today?” 

“To do things in a place or places with someone or someones?” 

“You really need to chill with all that planning, Jared. It’s a little much, don’t you think?” 

“You can never have too many well thought out plans,” Jared intoned haughtily, a prim look on his face as he settled a paper napkin in his lap like he was at high tea with the Queen. 

“Eat up, Jared. Sorry to ruin your carefully laid plans, but I want to take you somewhere.” 

Jared just grinned and wolfed down his food. 

** 

Less than an hour later, they were entering Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery. Jared stayed quiet, the reverence of the location demanding it, despite his confusion. Silently, they walked among the headstones, bone white under the already scorching sun. 

“Over 140,000 people are buried here.” Jensen said, voice solemn and low. “Officers, soldiers, lawyers, politicians.” He paused for a moment to rub fingers over one of the headstones. “Prisoners of war. Soldiers from other countries.” Standing, he spread his arms. “And here, they’re all treated the same. No headstone is smaller because of what someone was or because they didn’t have enough money. They’re all the same.” 

Jared stayed silent. 

“Do you know that crews here regularly make sure the headstones stay exactly where they should be?” Jared shook his head. No, he didn’t know that. “Look around, Jared. They’re all perfectly lined up. Straight lines and triangles and the perfect angles to make me feel at peace. I… 

Remember the first time you came to my house? When you brought me the cookies? When it took me so long to take them from you?” 

Jared nodded. 

“I have OCD, Jared. Do you know anything about that?” 

“Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That’s where people have to wash their hands so many times or touch certain things, right? Things like that?” 

“For some people, yeah. I don’t have that kind of OCD. I don’t have a lot of compulsions. I was lucky that way. OCD is different for everyone. Generally, on TV and in movies it’s shown one way – just like you said. People who have to do this or that and just can’t stop. Honestly though, there are as many different kinds as there are people who live with the disorder. 

When you brought me the cookies, I just fucking froze. I...I don’t like to eat food unless certain people cook it.” 

“Oh, Jensen, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I wasn’t ready to explain. I didn’t want to lose you yet.” 

“What? Jensen, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“You say that now.” Jensen scoffed. “You have no idea how difficult I am.” 

“Jensen...” 

“Didn’t you think it was weird that I got the same thing at lunch every single day on campus? Restaurants of any kind are a nightmare for me and the food is only one of the reasons. It takes me a long time to get settled with a new place and once I am, I stay there. Didn’t you notice we’ve only been to two restaurants the few times we went out to eat?” 

Jared frowned. He’d never even noticed. 

“I have to make sure they’re clean enough. That the food is good enough. That the people who handle it are nice enough. And until I can settle into a routine with a restaurant, going there is like a sharp bitter ache in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I swear I won’t even be able to swallow my goddamn food. But I chew. And I swallow. And when I leave, sometimes I throw up everything I’ve eaten. Sometimes I go back the very next day and sometimes I never go back. 

People are too loud. They’re messy and rude and they touch things they have no business touching. They take up spaces that aren’t theirs to be in. And I don’t care about germs so much, just that things...things aren’t... _right_. I can’t control them. I can’t make them do things like I want them done. 

And I’m looking at you in the restaurant light and I want to think about how it glints off your hair, but all I’m managing is, ‘don’t lose it’, ‘don’t let him know’, ‘chew your goddamn food and swallow; why do you make it so fucking hard’, ‘why can’t you be fucking normal just this once – for Jared’. And you laugh at something stupid like always, so loud and free with food hanging out of your fucking teeth and, in that moment, I kind of hate you Jared.” 

Jared visibly flinched. “Jensen. You don’t have to be anything for me but yourself.” 

“You have no idea, Jared. No fucking idea what the hell that means.” 

“No, but I will.” 

“If you stick around that long.” 

Jared reached out, then froze. “Can I...can I touch?” 

Jensen smiled sadly. “That’s not one of my truckload of issues, Jared. Touch if you want to.” 

Jared grabbed Jensen's face in both hands. “Jensen, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how difficult you think you are. You’re worth it to me.” Jensen scoffed, but Jared shook his head, gripping Jensen’s face tighter. “I’m not going anywhere. You just...You have to tell me things. Things like the coasters and the cookies. Don’t...” Jared stopped and took a breath. “Don’t not tell me something because you think it’s going to make me leave. I don’t want to do things that upset you. That hurt you.” 

Jensen stepped away from Jared and started walking again. Perfect rows stretched out in front of him like his own personal heaven. “Why would you want this, Jared.” Jensen’s voice was weary, tight with resignation and disgust for the way he was born. “There are so many people that would be such a better friend to you.” 

“You mean an _easier_ friend.” 

“Well, yeah, Jared, that’s exactly what I mean.” 

“Jensen. You like me don’t you?” 

Jensen’s steps faltered. “What? Of course I do, Jared.” 

“I have secrets too, you know. A couple I’m afraid would drive you far away from me.” 

Jensen spun around. “What? Jared, no. No matter what you told me, I’d never walk away from you.” 

“You promise?” 

“Of course, Jared!” 

“So then you think I don’t really like you, then.” 

“What? I never said...” 

“You just promised you wouldn’t walk away from me no matter what. But you’ve already got me sprinting away from you in your mind.” 

“Jared...” 

“So you think you’re a better friend than I am? Is that it?” 

“No! Jared, I never meant...” 

“Sometimes, I just want to feel pretty.” 

“You...What?” 

“Sometimes I like being tall and manly, able to do and get anything I want.” Jared dropped his head, toeing at the dirt. “But sometimes,” he almost whispered, “sometimes I want to feel pretty.” 

“Oh, Jared. Why would you say that you want that?” 

Jared could feel his eyes watering. Of course Jensen wouldn’t understand. This was exactly why he’d never told anyone and it was why he’d never tell anyone ever again. “Never mind.” Jared turned and walked back the way they came. 

“No, Jared, I didn’t mean it that way.” Jensen grabbed Jared’s arm, stepping close to him Jensen’s breath warm against Jared’s nape. “I just meant, you shouldn’t _want_ to feel pretty, Jared, like it’s something you’ll never have. Look at me Jared.” 

Jared just shook his head. 

“Look at me, Jared.” Jared turned his head to the side just enough that he could see Jensen's face. “Jared, you’re already beautiful.” 

“What?” 

“Oh, Jared. You’re hot as fuck anytime, you know that.” Jared made a noise in disagreement. “But sometimes, you’re just...” Jensen took a quick breath. “You’re adorable, Jared. You’re just soft and lovely and I just want to wrap you up and spend every moment of my day taking care of you.” 

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice was soft, wavering with tears and desperate hope. 

Jensen took a breath and in a moment of bravery, tucked a lock of hair behind Jared’s ear. “Come here, sweetheart.” 

Jared hesitated a moment, then stepped into Jensen’s arms. 

“Aren’t we one hell of a pair?” 

Jared laughed. “A match made in heaven.” 

Running his fingers through Jared’s hair, Jensen pressed a quick kiss to Jared’s shining, sweaty hair. “That we are, sweetheart.” 

Jared rubbed his eyes on Jensen’s shoulder, blotting his tears. 

“Did you just rub your boogers on my sleeve?” 

“Maybe?” 

“Eww.” 

“You should feel honored.” 

“Yeah, honored is exactly what I feel right now.” Jensen shuddered. “Honored and damp. Blech.” Jensen slid his hands down Jared’s arms, gently pushing him away. “Let’s walk some. Enough of the hard stuff for now. Okay?” 

Jared smiled, dimples deep in his radiant face. “Okay.”  

Everyone was at Jensen's again, hanging out as he worked on his bike. He and Jared were getting closer and closer every day, and had talked a bit about their past and their current lives. 

Jensen lived with Jeff and Jared had always assumed Jeff was a step-father, because Jensen never called him dad. Why else would he be living with him? Then it occurred to him that maybe Jeff was letting him live with him while he went to school. The truth was actually closer to the latter. 

Jensen’s family were loving and his childhood had been wonderful. As his OCD developed as he grew, he became harder to handle. The cycle of teacher’s conferences and doctor and psychiatric visits started. 

When Jensen was seventeen, his OCD was being medicated and he’d sat his family down to add being gay to the mix. His religious mother cried. His religious father walked out of the room and wouldn’t be anywhere near him for three days. 

They were honest with him. They loved him. They didn’t understand and probably weren’t going to try to. But he was their son. Their mentally ill, sinfully gay son. But they loved him. They wanted him. They just...didn’t know what to do with him. 

Everyone’s teen years were awkward for one reason or another. Jensen was just lucky enough to get an overload of _80’s Dramatic Teen Movie Angst_ in his life, that was all. Jeff had been a friend of the family for years and had always been close to Jensen and his siblings. He’d talked to Jensen about what college he wanted to go to and had told him about the ones close to him. 

Jeff didn’t care who it was that made Jensen's dick hard. When Jensen had stuttered through his explanation of how he’d been interested in Trinity University but why he’d just be a burden, had simply cut Jensen off and told him to cut the bullshit. Jensen's parents fretted and took their time deciding. The faint echo of relief they tried so hard to hide had to be reflected in Jensen's own eyes when they gave him their blessing to move. 

Living with Jeff was a nightmare for the first few months. It wasn’t Jeff’s fault, but Jensen felt like he was literally living in hell. Jeff was constantly moving things around that needed to stay right where they were and doing things that drove Jensen up the wall. Jensen nearly starved for two weeks until he finally forced himself to get used to Jeff’s cooking. 

Jeff practically abandoned his own home for awhile, giving Jensen the chance to put things like he needed them and to get used to living in a new place. Jeff learned quickly what to do and not to do, and things had settled. 

Jeff had a garage and a love of bikes, both of which he included Jensen in. Turns out, motor work was right up Jensen’s alley. Things went where they went and that was the only place for them. Most older motors had a symmetry to them that Jensen craved. The logic of everything, the pure cause and effect of every part of a motor gave Jensen some of the only purely happy moments he’d had in a long time. 

Jensen settled in and he, Jeff and Jensen's friends, new and old, learned how to be. 

Jared was everything Jensen had always wanted in a partner. Well, mostly. Jared was loud and attached himself to people, indiscriminately throwing around laughs, hugs and mile deep dimpled smiles to anyone that crossed his path. Jensen sort of wanted to hoard him and his joy all to himself, but he gritted his teeth and shared. Jensen got more than his share, after all, so all was good in Jensen’s world. 

Mostly. 

The thing was...and it wasn’t much of thing, really. It was a tiny thing. Teeny. Truly. But it kind of drove Jensen insane. 

The fact that Jared could be as clumsy as he was gorgeous was a well known fact. Jensen was expecting the fall out from that. That he could and did, deal with. No, that wasn’t the problem. What, quite unexpectedly ended up making Jensen crazy, was Jared’s love of moving shit around. 

Jared didn’t mean to. He didn’t do it to be mean or hateful. Jensen had dealt with that enough to know. It was inevitable. As soon as some people found out about Jensen's disorder, they took great pleasure in tormenting him in whatever way they could. Oh, most didn’t mean to cruel. Jensen knew that. He could tell most were just being funny or contrary. 

But they didn’t know. They never realized the sometimes very real physical consequences that mental illnesses brought with them. They didn’t realize that sometimes things not being right felt like a fist clenched tight in Jensen's gut. They didn’t know. And sometimes, they didn’t really care. 

But Jared cared. He loved helping Jensen. He loved spending time with Jensen. And he also loved picking stuff up and wandering off with it when he got distracted. Jensen was constantly looking for things and it was wearing on him. He thought the sun rose and set in Jared’s eyes, but he was going to punch Jared in the mouth one of these days. He could see it coming. 

So what does an amazing friend who is dying to become a lot more do when confronted with such a problem? Someone who longs to find a spot in not only a person’s heart but their no-no places as well? They calmly and rationally talk the problem out, of course. Obviously. 

But what does _Jensen_ do? Well, he puts it off because he can’t stand to see Jared’s face fall when he thinks he’s done something wrong. And he puts it off. And then one day, he loses his mind and the whole world goes to hell. 

_Well, shit._


	3. Chapter 3

In his defense, it had been a bad day. A really bad day. A run in with an asshole on campus, a mishap at Jeff’s shop and Chris dogging Jensen about Jared and all the things that could go wrong and how badly Jensen could be hurt by it had stretched Jensen's nerves to their very limit.

Jared hadn’t had a very good day himself, apparently. It was not a good day for them to hang out. But they persevered. Until Jensen found out that Jared lost the wrench Jensen needed to finish his bike. The bike he’d been working on for almost a year in between work, school and his car. The one wrench that neither Jensen nor Jeff had apparently ever bought another of.

Chris stood off to the side, shaking his head. “See this is the kind of thing I me...”

And that was it.

Jensen flew into a rage. He had Chris pinned to the wall, hands tight around his neck, for a few seconds before anyone could actually suss out what has happening. Steve and Jared jumped in immediately, dragging Jensen off Chris and trying to figure out exactly what the fuck was going on.

Jensen turned on Jared. “You! I’ve told you a million times that you can’t lose my shit! What the fuck is wrong with you? You wanted to be here! You wanted to be my goddamn friend! I told you what that meant! You know I can’t fucking take you moving shit all the goddamn time!” Jensen was in Jared’s face, so mad the tendons were standing out on either side of his neck as he yelled. “I explained it all to you didn’t I? You promised you were going to try!” Jared swallowed, staring at the floor. “You promised,” Jensen repeated, “yet you just wander around picking shit up and dropping it somewhere else.

I can’t...I can’t take that, man. Why don’t you just fucking kick me in the goddamn stomach every day? It takes less fucking effort that way!”

“Jensen, I don’t think...”

“I love you man, but shut your mouth right now, Steve. I mean it.” Jensen’s eyes fluttered shut as he watched Jared shrink even farther. “I know you don’t mean it, Jared. I know that. But you’re killing me, man.”

Chris stood up, “Look, I tried to tell you...”

“Get the fuck out of my house, Chris and don’t come back until you can learn to keep your fucking mouth shut. Because, so help me god, if Jared decides to ever see me again after this and you say one more word against him, I will forget I ever fucking met you.”

“Wow, and I thought I was your best friend.”

“Don’t make that past tense. One more fucking word and it will be.”

Chris slammed out of the house, Steve following close behind.

Jared still hadn’t said a word.

Jensen's anger abandoned him as quickly as it came on him. “I know y’all don’t get it. I know you _can’t_. You don’t think anything like I do and I thank god every day you don’t.

I went on a trip once; it took about four hours to get there. I was three hours in and realized I’d forgotten my toothbrush. My toothbrush, Jared. Something I could have very easily bought when I got where I was going.

But, and this is where the joy of paranoia comes in, I started wondering what else I forgot. I went over the things I’d packed three times, right there on the side of the road where I’d stopped. It seemed like I’d remembered everything but my toothbrush. But maybe I hadn’t even thought of something. Maybe there were a handful of things I should have packed! I had to turn around, go back home and repack my bag. I _had to_.

Please, Jared, please try a little harder. For me.”

“I really didn’t mean to, Jensen.” Jared still wasn’t looking at him, his voice was small and hurt. Tears Jensen hadn’t realized Jared was crying made Jared’s voice wavery and soft.

“I know you didn’t, Jared.”

“I thought I was doing okay. I thought we were having so much fun.” He shook his head, and a defeated sound nearly broke Jensen's heart. “I thought Chris liked me.

“He does. Chris is an over protective asshole who thinks no one can be as good a friend to me as he can. He’s just pissed because he thinks you’re taking over his spot as best friend.”

“What?”

“Trust me. Chris is a jealous bastard over everything, his friend slot included.” Jensen tentatively reached out to stroke Jared’s hunched back. “He didn’t realize though, that there was no contest.”

Jared slowly turned his head to look at Jensen.

“Your spot isn’t anything like Chris’s.”

“It’s not?”

“Don’t leave me, Jared, please.”

Jared just looked back down. “Why would you want me here after what I’ve done?”

“Because I need you.”

“Not if I make you feel like you’re getting kicked in the stomach all the time.”

“Jared, I should have never let things get this bad. It’s really not as bad as I made it seem, even. Not all the time. You just move so much of my stuff and I have a hard time dealing with that. And I should have said something every time you did it. But, Jared,” Jensen tipped Jared’s chin up. “Please look at me. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that would knock that smile off your face. I just wanted you happy.”

Jensen snorted and threw himself backwards on the sofa. “That was an amazing plan, wasn’t it? I really got that right, didn’t I?” Jensen paused for a moment. “It wasn’t just you, Jared. Don’t carry this all on your own. I laid bullshit on you that wasn’t yours, and I’m sorry for that. I should have never done that. I was mad at you, yes, but also at myself, assholes at school and Chris.”

Jensen leaned forward again, rubbing Jared’s back. “Jared, I’m sorry.”

Jared turned to Jensen again, sliding up against him slow and easy, like he was afraid it was a place he was no longer welcome. Jensen grabbed him and held Jared tight against him.

“I’m sorry too, Jensen.”

“I know, Jared, I do.”

“I’ll do better.”

“So will I, Jared. I promise.” Jared scooted down and laid his head on Jensen's shoulder and they stayed there, no words between them until Jeff came home.

**

Jared was doing much better. More than half the time, he’d catch himself wandering off with something and stop on the spot and put whatever he had his hands on back where it belonged. Jensen was over the moon. Jared may not have it figured out all the time, but he was trying. That’s what mattered the most.

Chris took a week before he came back to the house. Jared had been there when Chris walked through the door. Jared stood and started to excuse himself, when Chris stopped him. He apologized and it was pretty much just like Jensen said. He’d been jealous of Jared and worried about Jensen.

Jensen stood silent as Chris walked over to him. Chris apologized, swore nothing like that would ever happen again and punched Jensen in the face for choking him so hard he had bruises on his neck for almost the entire week.

Things went back to normal.

“Aaaaand she is…” Jensen tightened the last bolt on his fender, “...done!”

Everyone hollered and clapped and Jensen executed a ridiculously formal bow, his grease-caked face and dirty jeans a direct contrast to so elegant a move.

“Crank her up and take her out, man!”

“I’m gonna get cleaned up and changed first, then do exactly that.” Jensen was practically vibrating he was so excited and happy. He put his tools away and started jogging into the house, but stopped just long enough to point at Jared. “You might want to put your hair up or something. You’re coming with.”

Jared’s eyes widened and he stiffened.

“Jared?” Steve asked, “You okay?”

Jared turned to Steve. “I’ve never been on a bike before. Isn’t that dangerous? Like, could I make him wreck? It took him a year to fix her up if I make him crash and fuck her up an hour after he finished her he’s going to hate me!”

“Woah, calm down,” Chris patted Jared on the back. “It’s not like that, son. Sure, you could maybe cause an accident if you wanted to, but it’s not all _that_ easy. You’ll have hold of Jensen, okay? He’s a damn good rider, so just trust him. Just feel his body and how it moves. When he leans into a curve, go with him. You’ll be able to tell when and how far to lean. Just smash that gigantic body of yours to his back, wrap those arms around his chest and go with it.”

Jared nodded but flushed at that, lost in thoughts of his body pressed against Jensen's.

“For god’s sake, son, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

Jared’s face flamed at being caught mid-fantasy. Steve slapped Chris in the back of the head. “Leave Jared alone.”

“I’m just trying to be helpful.”

“You’re trying to be an ass.”

“It’s not going to do anyone any good if they get out there on that bike all mashed together and neither one is paying attention to the road because they’re too busy thinking about other things.”

“Chris,” Steve warned.

Jared cleared his throat. “So you think it’ll be okay?”

“It’ll be fine, Jared. Just let Jensen know it’s your first time. He’ll watch out for you.”

“Thanks, Steve.”

“And for god’s sake, keep padaconda to yourself while you’re on the road, would you?”

“Pada-what?”

“Chris, I swear to god...”

“Tell me, son, are you proportional? I’m asking for a friend, who’s….doing a paper on myths.”

Jared was speechless. It’s not that he hadn’t heard that before. In fact, anyone tall had probably heard that a thousand times. God knows his dick size had been the topic of conversation many drunken nights, but Jared didn’t expect that from Chris – particularly from a sober Chris.

“Am I what?” Jared repeated faintly.

“Proportional,” a grinning Chris repeated.

“You better be asking about his hand size, Chris.” Jared wanted to die. Jensen was back and heard Chris asking about Jared’s dick size.

“Pfft. Like you aren’t dying to know,” Chris muttered then raised his brows at the look on Jensen’s face. “Shit.” Suddenly, Chris took off running, and Jensen sprinted after him, yelling insults and threats.

“Are they...”

“Don’t worry about it, Jared. Chris has a big mouth, Napoleon syndrome, and stupidity to keep him going, and Jensen has upper body strength, speed, and denial on his side. They’ll be fine.”

A pained shout seemed to belie this, but Steve just shook his head and clapped Jared on the shoulder.

A few minutes later, Jensen and Chris came in, arms around each other, dirt and grass stuck to their hair and clothes.

“Ready to go, swe...Sasquatch?” Jensen held out a leather jacket to Jared and shrugged one on himself.

“It’s 500 degrees outside, Jensen, is this really necessary?”

“Of course not,” Jensen answered mildly. Jared started to hand the jacket back. “You can always leave your skin all over the highway if we lay the bike down. No biggie. I mean it’s not hot enough for the pavement to really start liquefying yet, so there probably wouldn’t be _too_ much asphalt in your wou...”

“Point made, Jensen.” Jensen laughed and reached for a helmet. “I suppose it’s too much to ask to let me feel the wind in my hair, at least for a few minutes?”

“Yeah, no. I’m not really interested in seeing what you’d be like with a head injury. I don’t care how many times your momma told you how hardheaded you are, it’s not gonna be pretty. Plus it’s against the law and I _never_ break the law.”

“Did they legalize weed in Texas when I wasn’t looking?”

“Yep. Sure did.”

“Huh. The things you learn.”

“Stop stalling and shove that hair of yours up in pigtails or something and let’s go.”

Jared reached up to pull the top of his hair into a tiny ponytail, but his nerves got the best of him. “Jensen, I...” Jared stuttered to a stop though, when he looked up to see Jensen picking up a sleek black helmet. “Is that the Batman logo?”

“Of course.”

Jared looked suspiciously at the helmet Jensen laid out for him, expecting to see Robin’s symbol.

Jensen just laughed, knowing what he was thinking. “Come on, Boy Wonder, let’s go.”

Jared smiled, then turned serious. “I’ve never done this before, Jensen. I don’t want to fuck it up. What do I need to do?”

“You won’t fuck it up, Jared. Always, always safety first, so get suited up and I’ll check your helmet. Then you just climb aboard and hold on.” Once Jared was ready, Jensen climbed on the bike, his helmet in his lap. “Come on, Jared, you can do this. That’s right, get settled then hold on tight.”

Jensen huffed as Jared plastered himself to Jensen’s back and wrapped his arms tight around Jensen's waist. “Okay, maybe not _that_ tight. I still need to be free to move, sweetheart, and you know, breathe every now and again.”

Jared backed off a little bit, and Jensen patted Jared’s hand, neither noticing the endearment Jensen let slip. “When we go around corners, I’ll be leaning with the bike as we go. You need to follow my movements as much as you can. When we stop, I have to keep the bike balanced, so remember I’m having to handle your weight too, gigantor, though with those long ass legs, you might be able to help me steady it if I can’t handle all the additional weight.”

Jared pinched Jensen's waist in retaliation and Jensen laughed and went on. “The main thing to remember is that I’m constantly balancing the bike and our weight. Keep your movements small and smooth. Once I put my helmet on and we get going, I’m not going to be able to hear you. If you need anything or your start to freak out or something, grab my jacket and pull it to the side a few times. I’ll stop just as soon as I can. Okay?”

Jared was gnawing on his lip. “Okay.”

“You can do this, Sasquatch. It’s not as complicated as it seems. Just feel me and the bike and everything else will just fall into place.”

“Can you not use the word ‘fall’ right now?”

Jensen rolled his eyes and turned to the side just enough to slap Jared’s visor down. “Here we go.”

Jensen put on his helmet, started the bike, and they were off.

**

Half an hour later, Jared was leaning like a pro on the corners and had loosened his death grip on Jensen – his hands were now fisted into Jensen's jacket – still clinging to Jensen like a limpet around the curves but leaned back the next minute, wind rushing between them on the straight stretches, the faint sound of Jared’s yells and laughter stolen almost entirely by the breeze.

Jensen coasted into the driveway an hour later, Jared bouncing behind him, nearly shaking with excitement. Chris and Steve met them at the garage, asking questions about how the bike handled and whether she needed any adjustments. Jensen answered, knowing every word he said was a lie.

He’d been too wrapped up in the press of Jared so close to him that, short of the motor blowing, he doubted he would have noticed anything that was going on with his bike. He stood there, smiling, while Jared filled Chris and Steve in on their trip, Jared’s face lit with joy and his mouth full of laughter.

Instead of the bike he’d spent an entire year rebuilding, Jensen's head was full of Jared, just like it had been since he’d watched Jared on the basketball court for the first time. Jared had been sweaty, shirtless and absolutely gorgeous and, though Jensen had seen him around campus plenty of times before, that was the first time Jensen had really noticed how absolutely striking Jared really was. The space Jared occupied in Jensen’s mind and, later, his heart had grown steadily ever since.

And now, with Jared staring at him, his face awash in happiness and his eyes making it clear it was Jensen he thanked for it, Jensen knew that space was never going to be anything else but Jared’s. It scared the fuck out of him, but so did everything else in his life. What was a little more fear, anyway?

Jensen smiled at Jared and Jared grinned and launched himself at Jensen, wrapping him up in a tight hug. “Thank you, Jensen,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome, Jared.” Honestly, Jensen never had a chance of being anything but Jared’s. Watching Jared laugh just because Jensen had made him happy, Jensen was okay with that.

**

It was another night like countless others. They were indolent, spread across chairs and the couch and the floor. Jared was across from Jensen, staring whenever Jensen wasn’t. Jensen was smoking and everyone was drinking. Jensen’s laptop was on, tunes pouring from the speakers. They were barely speaking, singing to the music that overpowered the TV no one even remembered was on.

It was silent when the next song started.[ Seafret](https://youtu.be/RpdXBjwXbMg).  _Oh no_ . Jensen’s breathing picked up and he tried to figure out if he could  get to the laptop and  change the song without looking suspicious. One look at Jared’s face – dimpled cheeks hidden by a swiftly ticking jaw – he knew it was too late. Jensen became very interested in his beer, but his gaze  was drawn back to Jared’s face.

_I want you_

_Yeah I want you_

_And nothing comes close_

_To the way that I need you_

_I wish I can feel your skin_

_And I want you_

_From somewhere within_

 

_It feels like there's oceans_

_Between me and you once again_

_We hide our emotions_

_Under the surface and tryin' to pretend_

_But it feels like there's oceans_

_Between you and me_

It was just a song, but it felt like everything he wanted to say. Jensen started to sing, voice low and eyes only for Jared. Chris, Steve and Jason joined him with harmony but neither Jared nor Jensen heard them.

_I want you_

_And I always will_

_I wish I was worth_

_But I know you deserve_

_You know I'd rather drown_

_Than to go on without you_

_But you're pulling me down_

Jared white knuckled his beer, his eyes anywhere but on Jensen's. He could see Jared’s hand tighten and relax, and the ticking of his jaw and flaring of his nostrils when Jensen started to sing gave Jensen hope he wasn’t the only one feeling the song. At one point, Jensen could practically see Jared’s thighs tense so he could get up and leave. But Jared stayed. And Jensen sang.

_It feels like there's oceans_

_Between you and me once again_

_We hide our emotions_

_Under the surface and try to pretend_

_But it feels like there's oceans_

_Between you and me_

 

_I want you_

_I want you_

_And always will_

 

_It feels like there's oceans_

_Between you and me_

Jared finally looked at him. Jensen stared back until the others leaving broke their stare.

So here’s the thing. Jared is great at basketball. Jared is also great at being distracted by Jensen. The two of those things are neither mutually exclusive nor complimentary. In simpler terms, Jensen was sitting at a table near the court working on a paper and Jared was playing like he’d never seen a ball before.

Most of the guys were giving Jared shit for it, but they were overall pretty cool about it. They just figured he was having an off day and did their best to pick up the slack. Jared offered to sit out the game but they needed him for numbers if nothing else, so he stayed in. They were taking a quick break to hydrate when Jared noticed Jensen smiling at him. Jared grinned back, dropping his head like he always seemed to do around Jensen.

When he looked back up, he noticed Tahmoh Penikett glaring and shaking his head. Tahmoh was a year older than Jensen and was a friend of a friend. He’d always seemed pretty nice, though Jared really only talked to him on the basketball court. Jared was a little shocked to see Tahmoh so angry.

“So is _that_ why you’re playing like shit today?” Tahmoh gestured in Jensen's general direction.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, is the reason you’re playing like shit today because you’re too busy flirting with your fag boyfriend?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“My problem? My problem is that I come here to play, not watch you flirt with Tall, Blond, and Twinky over there. When did you turn into such a faggot, anyway?”

“Dude! What the fuck!” “Knock it off, asshole.” “What the hell’s your problem?” The guys had noticed Tahmoh and what he was saying, but Tahmoh wasn’t backing off.

“I’ve been gay since I was born, asshole. You knew I was gay. What the fuck is your problem all of a sudden?”

“Yeah I knew you were gay, but you never acted like a fag before. If this is the best you can do, either leave the little woman over there at home or keep your queer ass at home with him.” Jared leaped forward, but a couple of his teammates were ready and held him back while others told Tahmoh off.

“Oh, fuck you Tahmoh. You don’t run this fucking game.” “If that’s how you feel, you need to find another game, man. We don’t play with bigoted assholes.”

“Fine.” Tahmoh grabbed his shit and stormed off.

“Hey, man, sorry about that. Don’t pay attention to him. He’s a dick.”

“I _was_ blowing it. I couldn’t play for shit today.”

“Yeah, you were. We all have bad days, man. No one has the right to do shit like that just because you’re not on top of your game. Don’t let it get to you.”

Jared glanced over to where Jensen was sitting and saw he was standing, watching Jared and the court. Jared waved and Jensen settled back down at the table.

With Tahmoh gone, the game broke up and Jared trudged over to Jensen.

“Hey, you okay? What happened?” Jensen asked as soon as Jared got near enough.

“I’m fine, it was nothing, Jensen.”

“Those were not your ‘nothing going on’ shoulders, Jared. Those were your ‘I’m going to kick your ass’ shoulders. What happened?”

“Just someone being a homophobic asshole, that’s all. I’m fine.”

Jensen just stared at Jared. “I’m fine, Jensen.”

“Okay, okay. I hear you.”

“Good. Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Wanna swing by mine?” Jensen asked as he gathered up his stuff.

“Nah, not today, Jensen. I’m just gonna head home.”

“Okay, Jared. No problem, huh? See you tomorrow at lunch, right?”

“I’ll be there.”

Jensen watched Jared walk away. As soon as he was out of sight, Jensen narrowed his eyes and picked up his phone.

“Hey there. I need your help with something...”

And if Tahmoh had the misfortune of being mugged at the hands of a couple of people who were built a lot like Chris and Steve, well that was just Karma having her merry way.

**

Jared wasn’t happy. Jensen could tell. He asked him about it, of course, but all he got in response were some vague responses and Jared changing the subject. Jensen didn’t know what to do. So he went shopping.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen looked a little shifty and awkward and it was all Jared could do to keep from asking him about it. At this point though, he knew exactly what a prickly bastard Jensen could be, so he decided to just bide his time. And then found out just how hard it was to bide one’s time sometimes. Jared and Jensen were hanging out with the usual suspects talking, laughing and working on Jensen’s car or his bike by turns.

Everyone noticed how on edge Jensen was, but no one said a word. The dark night got deeper and Chris slapped Steve on the back. “Alright y’all. It’s time to go. I gotta get Miss Stevie here home. You know how desperately he needs his beauty sleep.” It was a lie of course and Steve froze with a beer halfway to his mouth.

“Yep! I sure am getting tired.” Steve bounded up, giving a fake stretch and yawn Jared hadn’t seen since Chad tried to pick up Samantha Crawlings in the fourth grade. He’d been sure it was a super slick, couldn’t fail move. Jared hadn’t even laughed when he came stomping back over, an uncomfortably red spot on his face. He didn’t laugh at Steve either, but clearly that move wasn’t any smoother off the play ground.

Chris, Steve and Jason shuffled off quickly after that, leaving a slightly bewildered Jared and an increasingly fidgety Jensen far behind. Jared finished his beer and threw away his trash, not sure if he should ask Jensen what was going on, or if he should just leave well enough alone. When Jensen’s hand slipped off his wrench and he started cussing, Jared quickly chose the latter.

“Jensen? I’m gonna get go...”

“No!”

Jared startled at Jensen's loud tone. “I mean, I was trying to hurry and get this done but now is a good time to quit. I...” Jensen took a deep breath and stood straight. “I’m gonna put stuff away here and take a quick shower. Will you wait?”

“Sure, Jensen. Of course.”

“In my room.”

“Sure.” Jared was more than a little confused, but wasn’t going to turn down spending even a second more with Jensen. He went to Jensen's room and turned on the TV, lounging on Jensen's bed and idly flipping through channels. Jensen came in about twenty minutes later, wearing soft sweat pants and a worn tank. His hair was damp around his ears and nape and it was all Jared could do not to touch.

“I have something for you.” Jensen was halting in a way he never was and he watched Jared carefully as he pulled a box out of his closet and handed it to Jared.

“Jensen? It’s not my birthday, man, what...”

“Open it.”

Jared tore through the wrapping paper, dread and excitement all wrapped up in his chest. His fingers stopped when he reached through the tissue paper inside the box. There was something silky under his fingers. Jared froze.

“I thought...” Jensen cleared his throat and started again. “I thought you could wear it one day when you...when you felt like it. And we could go to the beach and walk along the water. You know, made a day of it. Go to Galveston or South Padre. If you...If you like it.”

Jared was so scared to see what his fingers were touching. What if Jensen got it wrong? It would hurt Jared so much if Jensen got it wrong. What if Jensen didn’t really understand?

“Jared?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Me too.”

Huffing a quick breath, Jared peeled back the tissue paper before he could think about it one more second. Tentatively, he reached for the pile of silky material in front of him. It was beautiful. Jensen had bought him a dark blue silk shirt. Soft and smooth under his fingers, the silk slippery and warm. Its lines were clean and fluid and it looked like it would fit him perfectly.

“Jensen.”

“There’s more.”

Jared carefully set aside his shirt and lifted a pair of soft flowing pants from the box. They were tan polished cotton, cool to the touch and almost as soft as his shirt.

“Oh, Jensen.”

“One more, Jared.”

Jared placed his pants on top of his shirt and dug a little farther into his present. Jensen had bought him underwear. Holding his breath, he pulled them out and made a small sound of joy and relief. Jensen had picked out silky boxer briefs in a shade to match his pants. Jared’s favorite kind. Jared laid them on top of his new clothes and set the box aside.

Jensen was looking at the ground, at least he was until Jared walked up to him and shook him a little, his hands tight on Jensen's shoulders. “Jensen. Look at me.”

“No.”

Jared laughed. “Jensen, I love them. They’re beautiful.”

“No, Jared. _You’re_ beautiful. And you deserve things that make you _feel_ just how pretty you are.” Jensen did look up then. “ _Someone_ that makes you feel like you want to.”

“Jensen. _You_ make me feel beautiful. And cared for. And...” Jared trailed off for a moment, losing his courage.

“And loved?”

It was Jared’s turn to stare at the floor.

“You are, Jared.” Three small words but it felt like his entire future was all wrapped up in them.

“I love you, too.” And there was all his life.

“It’s gonna be difficult. I’m not an easy person to deal with. All my nonsense. I...”

Jared kissed him then. “Later. Tell me all the reasons why I shouldn’t love you later.”

“I will.”

“I know you will, Jensen. But right now, let me put my new clothes away. I don’t want them to get messed up.”

“Hold on, let me get you...”

“I’ll just put it back in the box.” Quickly, Jared reboxed his gift and slipped it onto Jensen's desk. He threw away the trash and sat on Jensen's bed, scooting back toward the wall. “Come here, Jensen. Lay with me.”

Jensen slid down beside Jared, tugged Jared’s ever present beanie off and ran his fingers through Jared’s hair. Jared snuggled into him, his head tucked under Jensen's chin, his ankles entwined with Jensen's and his feet hanging over the end of Jensen's bed.

“So tall, gigantor.”

“Yeah.” Jared sounded sad. “Too tall.”

“Sweetheart, no, you’re perfect.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay, fine. Perfect is a little much. You do sweat more than just about anyone I’ve ever met and your obsessive love of flip flops is a little bit concerning.”

Jared laughed against his will. “You don’t think I’m too tall?”

“Why would you think that, Jared?”

“It just makes me feel like I’ll never really be pretty like I want to be.”

“Oh, sweetheart, no. Look at this. Hold on.” Jensen grabbed his phone out of his pocket and did a quick search. Holding it up where Jared could see, he flipped through photo after photo of beautiful women. “Look at them, Jared. You think they’re pretty don’t you?”

“Well, yeah, they’re beautiful.”

“Yeah. And they’re all over six feet tall.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You know how supermodels, actors and athletes work. The tallest on this list is 6’3” but what difference does an inch or two make, huh?” Jensen tossed his phone behind Jared and put his arms back around him. “You’re beautiful, baby.”

“I guess I never thought of it like that.”

“Now you have.”

Jared smiled up at Jensen, propping up on his elbow and pressing kisses to Jensen's face. “I’m so glad you got it right, Jensen. So, so glad.”

“Me too, sweetheart. You have no idea how glad.”

They laid there for another hour, then heard the front door slam. “Does Jeff know you’re gay?”

“Yeah, and that’s not all he knows, either. Jared…”

“Hey boy, did you have a good night with your pretty pretty princess?” Jeff yelled as he came upstairs.

“What the fuck did he just call me?”

“Jared, it’s not what you think.”

“Really? Not what I think? What else could it be?” Jared was humiliated. That was exactly what he’d expected to happen and Jensen hadn’t even had the balls to laugh at him to his face. Jensen had lied to him. He’d pretended he was fine with it, but was not only telling people behind Jared’s back, he was obviously making fun of him while he was at it. Jared shoved Jensen off the bed and ran.

“Jared! I swear it’s not what you think!”

Jared sprinted down the steps past Jeff.

“Whoa, hey Jared, I didn’t know you were here. Slow down there, boy, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

Jared never answered. He could hear Jensen as he alternated between yelling at him and yelling at Jeff as Jensen ran after him. Jensen caught him on the porch.

“Jared, baby, stop! Let me explain.”

Jared lashed out, punching Jensen in the face. “Not such a pretty pretty princess now, am I? Don’t ever call me baby again, you liar.”

“Hey! What is going on here?”

“It’s just a misunderstanding Jeff, thanks to you!”

“Don’t you yell at me, boy!”

“Jared. Listen to me! Jeff doesn’t know, okay.” Jared dashed the tears out of his eyes and scoffed loudly. “He doesn’t, I swear! Jeff, tell him! Tell him why you call him my pretty princess.”

“Jared? I didn’t mean anything bad by it. I’ve been calling you Jensen’s pretty princess since you dumped your tray all over him.”

“What? That was months ago! Why?”

“Because when I went there to drop off a clean shirt, all he could talk about was you.”

“What?”

“Yeah. He even told me about how soft and pretty your hair was.” Jensen growled a little, still gingerly cradling his jaw, but Jeff went on. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Jared. I never meant to, but sometimes you just gotta make fun of that boy, you know?” Jeff pointed over his shoulder at Jensen. “And it was clear as the day is long that he was crazy in love with you, even then. I’ve never seen him even _notice_ someone else’s hair, much less tell me how beautiful it is. Sometimes you just gotta use all the leverage you got, you know?”

“You...You really don’t know?” Jared turned to Jeff. “About me, I mean?”

“All I know, son, is that you’re a solid, reliable person, and you wear those crazy hats way too much, _probably_ because you could use a good haircut. I think you love that boy over there as much as he loves you,” Jeff glanced at Jensen, “and you got a pretty good right hook.” Jeff walked over and clapped Jared on the shoulder. “If there’s anything else you want me to know, you’ll have to tell me yourself.” Jeff stepped back into the house, letting the door swing shut. “And I’ll listen.”

“Sweetheart, I swear I didn’t tell him or anyone. I wouldn’t do that. I swear.”

Jared threw himself at Jensen. “I’m sorry Jensen! I just thought...”

“I know baby. I know. It’s alright. Jared? Why don’t you call your mom and let her know you’re staying here tonight?”

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t want to let you go right now. I know how your mind works. I want you to be in arm’s reach when you start worrying again.”

Jared laughed and dragged his phone out of his pocket. He cleared his throat and let his mom know he’d fallen asleep at Jensen's and was gonna stay instead of driving back tired. He could have sworn she was sniggering slightly as she thanked him for letting them know.

Jensen took his arm and led him back up to his room. “Baby, I don’t wanna beat this thing to death, but, I really meant it when I said I understood.” He helped Jared strip to his boxer briefs and did the same. “I love you for you, Jared. Pretty princess or goofy gus or angry asshole.”

Jared gave a watery laugh, gently cupping Jensen’s bruising jaw. “ _You’re_ the asshole.”

“Sometimes, yeah.” He lifted the covers for Jared then crawled in after him. “I’ll tell you what I’m not, though.”

“What’s that?”

“The little spoon.”

Jared laughed and flopped over on his other side facing the wall. “Better?”

“Much.”

“Jensen?”

“Shhh, sleep sweetheart. It’s been a big night. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

“Night, Jensen. I love you.”

“Night, sweetheart. I love you too.”

**

“Ah-ha!” Jared startled awake to the sound of someone yelling in his face. Or at least it sounded like it was right in his face. “I _knew_ you were fucking! Jensen would never let any of us get away with half the stuff he lets you do!”

Jared pulled the covers over his face turning his back to Jensen, jostling into him on purpose.

“Wha...”

“Your friends are here. Take care of them.”

“Wha...No. Sleep.”

“Mmmm. Okay. Sleep.”

Jared drifted off again. He could hear people talking, but it was so warm under the covers and Jensen's arm over his stomach was tight, heavy and wonderful. He didn’t wake again for hours.

When he did wake, he was alone in the bed and there were no sounds from the bathroom. Dragging himself up, he took care of his morning ritual and dressed in the clothes Jensen laid out for him – worn sweats and a band tee that looked like it had seen better days. Still yawning, he stumbled downstairs – into a room full of people.

“Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to join us!”

“Shut up Chris.” Jensen looked like he hadn’t been up long, still holding tight to his coffee, looking sleepy eyed. Shuffling over, he leaned up and kissed Jared. “Good morning, sweetheart. There’s coffee and cereal in the kitchen. Maybe some fruit. I don’t know. Food. That way.”

Jared leaned back down, kissing him longer than before. They ignored the gagging and retching noises that echoed around the room. “Good morning, Jensen.”

It wasn’t long before Jared was back, a little more awake and with a full stomach. He looked around and realized he didn’t know everyone in the room. He walked over to where Jensen was sitting on the couch and sat on the arm beside him. “All full, baby?”

Jared felt a little proud and a little shy when Jensen called him baby in front of his friends and strangers. He just nodded without answering verbally. Jensen smiled at him and introduced the people Jared didn’t know.

Mike and Tom were old friends of Jensen’s from his home town and apparently came to see him regularly. To Jared’s surprise, Genevieve and Danneel were people Jared actually recognized and were in a few of Jensen’s classes and Jared’s as well.

The room was loud and full of laughter, and Jared slowly got to know everyone. At one point, Chris got up from beside Jensen. Jensen scooted over and dragged Jared off the arm. Of course, Jensen hadn’t scooted over so far that Jared wasn’t still squished between Jensen’s body and the sofa arm. Jared didn’t mind at all.

Jared was talking, telling some story about one of his classes when he dropped his flailing hand onto Jensen’s. Without noticing, he curled his fingers around Jensen's, holding his hand and trailing the fingers of his other hand over Jensen's arm when he wasn’t using it to gesture wildly as he spoke. It wasn’t long before Jensen squeezed his hand. “Come with me, sweetheart.”

Standing, Jensen offered Jared his hand and helped him up. “Excuse us for a moment. I just remembered something I need to talk to Jared about.”

Groans echoed through the room. “No sex when we’re right here!” Jensen flipped off the room in general and led Jared to the kitchen. He patted a bar stool, then stepped between Jared’s legs once Jared was seated.

“I didn’t get a chance to properly say good morning, sweetheart. How you doing?”

Jared draped his arms over Jensen's shoulders. “I’m doing good, Jensen. How did you sleep?”

“Better than I have in a while, I think. How about you? Was it weird with me beside you?”

“No, I loved it. We’ll have to do it again, soon. I think I’m going to tell my parents about us tonight. They need to know why I’ll suddenly be spending some nights away.”

“How do you think it’ll go?”

“Fine, of course, they’ve heard me talk about you for months now. Who knows, I might even stop obsessing now that I actually get you all to myself.”

Jensen pulled back from where he had been kissing and sucking at Jared’s neck. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

Jared frowned for a moment, then cupped the back of Jensen's head. “Oh, baby, no. I don’t mean I’ll want you any less. I just mean I won’t have to stare at you in secret any more.”

“I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, I don’t think you were all that sneaky.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Yep. But you love me.”

“Do I?”

Jensen laughed, sucking harder on the spot right underneath Jared’s ear that seemed guaranteed to raise goosebumps on Jared’s skin and make him shiver. “You do. You said so yourself.”

“Maybe I was just trying to get into your pants.”

“That was a fail then. However, I strongly suggest you continue trying.”

“You think? I mean, sometimes, it’s just a wash, don’t you think?” Jared studied his nails over Jensen's head, “I mean, sometimes you just have to give up, right?”

“Mmm, your mouth says “give up,” but your cock says, “more please,”.”

“My dick might be a liar, did that ever occur to you?”

“Uh, no. I can honestly say that particular thought has never occurred to me.” Jensen burrowed his fingers into Jared’s hair, tugged his head to the side and bit down on the exposed tendon. “I’ll tell you what did occur to me, though.”

“Do tell, Mr. Ackles.”

“Oh, I do like when you call me that. That’s a kink to stick a pin in until another day, though.”

“And today’s kink?”

“The way you sound, right now, breath fast and uneven. How it hitches every time I...” Jensen bit down. “...bite right here.”

“Jensen.”

“That’s right, sweetheart. Talk to me.” Jensen grabbed Jared’s hips, pulling his crotch tight to his. “Let me make you come, Jared. Right here in the kitchen. Where anyone could see us – where anyone could hear you. Let me, baby, can I?”

“Oh, fuck you Jensen Ackles. I don’t...This isn’t…Goddammit...Uh, fuck, whatever...Yeah, fuck. Make me come.”

Jensen let go of Jared’s hip with one hand and slid it inside his sweats, running his fingers up and down Jared’s hard shaft. Jared moaned, doing his best to keep it low and just between them. Jensen flattened his palm over the head of Jared’s cock and circled it, collecting pre-come to ease the way, then cupped his hand around Jared’s dick, pushing his thumb into the nerves right under the head.

“Jensen.”

“I’ve got you. Come on baby. Let me hear you come.”

Jared dug his fingers into the back of Jensen’s neck, straining into his maddening hand. “Yes, Jared, fuck my fist. Show me how you like it.”

Jared braced one hand on the counter behind him, the other on Jensen’s neck and set the pace he liked when he was so close to coming. “Like this, Jensen. Just like this.”

Jensen took over, keeping the pace Jared had set, twisting his hand at the end of every stroke, flicking the bundle of nerves and the slit of Jared’s cock every other time. Jared dropped his head back, his breath coming even faster now, tiny whines and moans just loud enough for Jensen to hear.

“Come, sweetheart. Come.”

Jared lost it then, crying out and coming into Jensen's sweats and his hand. Jensen leaned forward. “That’s my baby. So beautiful when you come.” Jensen kissed Jared, soft and sweet.

“Your turn.”

“Scoot forward baby, yeah, just like that.” Jensen gripped Jared’s hips, rubbing against Jared’s now softened bulge in his borrowed sweats. Jared circled his hips, rotating against Jensen's hard cock. “Oh, sweetheart, yes. So close, Jared. Just a little bit more. Oh fuck, Jared, fuck yes!” Jared could feel Jensen's cock jerk against his, could feel the spot of wetness on his own pants grow as Jensen's come seeped out and mingled with his own.

“Come on sweetheart, we need to get cleaned up and changed.” As they were headed upstairs, they could hear the front door open and slam shut. “Hurry up, baby, don’t let Jeff catch us. We’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Why does my kitchen smell like sex? Jensen!”

Jensen and Jared ran up the stairs into the bathroom and locked the door, laughing so hard Jared actually snorted. They could hear the whoops and hollering from their friends downstairs, but drowned them out with the running water of their shower.

"Let's get cleaned up, sweetheart."

Jared stepped around Jensen into the bathroom, both of them stripping off clothes as they went. Jensen checked the warmth of the spray and adjusted the water. He motioned Jared in first then slipped in behind him. Reaching for the soap and a washcloth, Jensen began washing his boyfriend smoothly and methodically.

Jared stood under the spray, head bent, as Jensen cleaned the sweat and come from his body. Jensen turned and shifted Jared where he needed him, then positioned him under the water to rinse all the soap away. He then quickly soaped himself, slid up against Jared’s slick wet body and moved him just enough to rinse himself off. Jared pressed his body to Jensen’s side and swayed forward when Jensen stepped back.

"One more rinse baby, then we're done."

Jensen reached for Jared to move him back under the cascade of water, but Jared dodged his hands, standing under the water himself. He rinsed his hair, then leaned out of the water as he slicked his hair back. Jensen stood to the side, his fingers following the rivulets of water down Jared’s back, painting ever changing patterns on Jared’s skin.

Jared turned to Jensen, studying the man in front of him. Jensen stood, hair slicked tight against his skull, eyes as green as Jared had ever seen them, lips red from kisses and the heat of the shower. Jared lowered his head to Jensen’s shoulder and traced the tattoo there with his tongue.

“Have I ever told you how much I love your tattoos?”

“The staring and touching when you first saw them may have clued me in.”

Jared laughed and nipped at the skin under this teeth. “Is this creature your OCD?”

“The demon? Yeah. I struggled a lot with it, especially the paranoia that came along with everything else. When I moved here, it was rough for a while. I wasn’t sure it was going to work out, honestly. I just couldn’t get things like I needed them to be. I took a lot of walks. I’d just drive to a random part of the city and walk. It helped me to get accustomed to being in a new place and it helped calm some of my paranoia.

On one of my trips I found this garage. They only do muscle cars, classics and hot rods; no new vehicles, mostly custom work. The Impala was in their back lot for sale and it caught my attention right away. It was probably my third trip there when I noticed this little hole in the wall tattoo shop that was off to the side of the garage. Turned out his wife owned the tattoo shop and they did quite a lot of business.

I stopped by probably four times. I looked at designs, watched the artists and talked to them. The next time I went, I started talking to this artist Frankie. I told him about my OCD, being gay and the problems I have and a little bit how I feel every day. I really couldn’t believe I was telling this stranger all these details about my life. He showed me some of the tattoos they’d done for people struggling with mental illnesses, addiction and tragedies.

It gave me really good ideas and I went back two weeks later and had them done. The demon is my OCD. This one,” Jensen pointed at his chest, “Is the chemical makeup of Serotonin, apparently, I don’t have enough of it. I take medication to help even it out more like it should be. That’s what this one is about. The ladder,” Jensen ran his fingers over the tattoo, “is a fear ladder. Fear ladders are used to help work through anxiety, phobias and fears.

You set goals and work toward them. As you see, I’m about halfway up the ladder. Honestly, with my disorder, I may never get any further up. But it helps sometimes, to set concrete goals that I need to reach. My first big goal was to take my medication.

I absolutely hated taking it at first. God, it was awful getting used to it. But I did it. I still don’t like it, but I know I need it. That’s why the person on the ladder is reaching up toward the Serotonin.”

Jensen flattened his hand over his stomach. “It took two sessions to get them all done and I’ll probably get more later on.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You ever thought about getting tattooed?” Jensen slid his hand around Jared’s hip and squeezed his ass. “Maybe a nice _Property of Jensen Ackles_ right about here?”

Jared hummed and laughed. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Hell yeah I would.”

“Possessive bastard.”

“That’s a fact, sweetheart. Are you all done?”

"Yeah, I'm done, baby." Jared held his breath as Jensen pressed up against his back. Jensen’s skin stuttered across his own, catching and dragging on the places on Jared’s skin that had started to dry and sliding where the water still ran freely. Jensen lapped water off Jared’s shoulder, then stretched around Jared to shut off the water.

Jensen stepped out of the shower, perfunctorily drying off and then reached for Jared with the other towel. Jared leaned into him and Jensen toweled him dry, following the towel with kisses on Jared’s skin. When he was done, he turned to head to the bedroom, but Jared stopped him and pulled Jensen’s barely damp towel from the rack where he’d hung it before grabbing one for Jared.

“My turn.” Jensen's skin was damp and really didn’t need much toweling off, but that wasn’t really Jared’s intention anyway. He swiped the towel over Jensen’s skin at first then dropped it on the floor, not even bothering with it as he did what he really wanted to – trace the outline of Jensen’s tattoos with his mouth and tongue.

“Jared, baby, you’re going to start something we don’t really have time for.”

“There’s always time for a blowjob, Jensen.”

Jensen groaned and dropped his head against the bathroom wall. “You’re going to kill me, Jared, I swear to god.”

Jared just hummed his way down Jensen's chest. “Stop complaining. Who bitches about a blow job? I don’t see Little Jensen complaining. He seems all for it.”

“ _Little_ Jensen?” Jensen harrumphed.

Jared laughed, sucking on the cut of Jensen's hip. “Don’t worry baby, Little Jensen is still perfectly respectable. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Perfectly _respectable_? How dare y...” Jensen gave up all pretense of even pretending to be offended when Jared sucked the tip of his cock into his mouth suddenly. “Goddamn.”

Jared held just the tip of Jensen's dick in his mouth, suckling at it for a moment. He worked his tongue into the slit and scraped his teeth over the bundle of nerves right underneath it. Jensen moaned and flattened his hands against the wall behind him.

Shifting a little on his knees, Jared slid Jensen deep in his mouth. Jared couldn’t deep throat, but he knew just how to use his hands and tongue to make up for it. Jensen pulled a hand from the wall, burying it in Jared’s hair.

“Baby, I’m close. Just keep doing that, sweetheart. Fuck, I love your mouth.”

Jared hummed, the vibration causing Jensen to give a guttural cry. He came a few minutes later, Jared’s hand on Jensen's balls and Jensen’s cock heavy on Jared’s tongue.

“Fuck, baby. So sexy.”

Jared let Jensen's cock slide from his mouth, then pressed his head to Jensen’s stomach.

“Need a hand with that?”

“No,” Jared grunted, “just let me…” Jensen put a hand heavy on the back of Jared’s neck.

“Come for me, sweetheart. I want to hear it.”

The slap of skin on skin and Jared’s harsh breathing echoed through the bathroom.

“That’s it, baby, yeah.”

Jared came across his hand and Jensen’s shin, his mouth open, saliva thick and wet in his mouth.

“That’s right baby. Come up here. Stand.” Jensen pulled Jared to his feet and kissed him, licking his own taste out of Jared’s mouth. “I’ll never survive this relationship Jared. Not a chance. Not as hot as you are.”

Jared snorted. “Note to self, Jensen is at his cheesiest after an orgasm.”

“Shut it!” Quickly, they cleaned themselves and the bathroom, and Jensen opened the door to his bedroom, gesturing Jared through.

"Come on, Sasquatch."

“Sasquatch? Really?”

“If the giant hairy foot fits...”

“Shut up Jensen.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey baby, what’s up? You don’t usually call this early. Everything okay?”

“Hey Jensen. I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the beach today.”

“I’d love to. South Padre? Galveston? Or somewhere else?”

“Galveston. I wanna ride the rides.”

“The Pier it is. Give me a few to wake up and get ready. I’ll be by to pick you up in an hour or so. How’s that?”

“Perfect. See you then.”

“See you soon sweetheart.”

Jensen dragged himself out of bed and took a quick shower, dressing quickly in a pair of blue pants like the ones he’d bought for Jared. He slipped into a tank and loose short sleeved shirt and his sneakers, then headed downstairs for some much needed coffee and supplies for the day.

“Wow, what are you doing up so early, boy? I’ve never seen you voluntarily get up at this time when you didn’t have to.”

“Jared and I are going to spend the day at the beach. It’s a four hour drive and I want to make sure he has plenty of time on the beach.”

“You’re so gone for him. I’ve never seen you this far gone.”

“Too early for this. I’m leaving. See you sometime tonight. Maybe.” Jensen grabbed the backpack he’d stocked with essentials and headed out. “Or, maybe not.”

Jeff grunted a goodbye, barely more of a morning person than Jensen was. “Drive carefully.”

“Will do.”

Jensen had dropped Jared off at his house several times in the past few months, but had never met Jared’s parents. It was pretty inevitable that was about to change. He grabbed his coffee and knocked on the door.

A woman with deep dimples and chestnut hair just like Jared’s answered and invited Jensen in. “Jared!” She yelled. “Your boyfriend’s here!”

Jensen froze. Jared didn’t say he’d told his parents about them. He said he was going to, but Jensen didn’t think he’d done it yet.

“Have a seat, Jensen. Jared will be down pretty quickly after that. I’m Sherri. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I...Hi. Nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“Ma’am. Aren’t you mannerly. And so handsome. I figured you had to be attractive, but Jared never mentioned how handsome you are.”

Jensen started squirming, but luckily the sound of feet pounding down the stairs filled him with relief.

“Mother. Do you mind not terrorizing Jensen? And I never told you Jensen was my boyfriend.”

“You didn’t say he wasn’t either though, did you?” Sherri smiled wickedly. “Gonna be home tonight?”

“I don’t know. I may never come home ever again.”

“Be sure to write baby. I’ll miss you.”

“You are a horrible mother.”

“So you and your sister keep telling me.”

Jared rolled his eyes and gave his mother a kiss. “See you later mom.”

“Nice to meet you Jensen. Don’t be a stranger, alright? Y’all be careful and have fun. Here, take some money. Eat a good breakfast on the way.”

“Mom.”

“Take it, or I’ll just hug you and stick it in your backpack without you knowing like I always do.”

“Thanks mom.”

“Nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“Jared baby, I really like that outfit. It looks wonderful on you.”

“Thanks mom. Jensen bought it for me.”

Sherri looked thoughtfully at Jensen then smiled, a little melancholy. “Have fun, boys.”

“See you later, mom.”

Jensen held the door open for Jared, his eyes wandering over him like he hadn’t felt like he could in front of Jared’s mom. Jared had added a white tank under the outfit Jensen had bought him. The silk clung in places where Jared was either still damp from a shower or had already started sweating in the summer heat, slidding smoothly over his skin elsewhere.

His hair was down and smooth, shining in the morning sun. Jared was glowing, his clothes soft and sleek, moving in the breeze. He was beautiful. Jensen stopped him before Jared got into the car, kissing him softly. “Hi, baby.”

Jared blushed, soft and shy, in this place, in these clothes, in Jensen's arms. “Hi, Jensen.” He kissed Jensen again, not as quickly, then got in the car.

They’d been driving for less than a half an hour when Jensen remembered Jared’s mom’s insistence they eat a good breakfast. “Where do you want to get breakfast, Jared?”

“IHOP, of course. There’s one right up here on the left.”

“Of course. How could I have asked such a stupid question?”

“It’s okay. I love you anyway. We all have limitations.”

“Limi...why you brat. You just wait until I get you on that beach.” Jensen pulled into the restaurant and parked, smirking at Jared.

Jared dimpled up at him, leaning forward like he was going to kiss Jensen again. Right before his mouth touched Jensen's opening lips, he straightened up. “Get out of the car. I’m starved.”

Jensen growled. “One of these days Jared, I swear I’m going to spank your little ass raw.”

Jared crowded up against him as they walked into the restaurant. “Might wanna put a pin in that kink too, baby. I think I’d like that very much.”

Jensen missed a step and cursed as he stumbled. “Don’t do shit like that in public, Jared!”

“I thought you liked it in public, Jensen. Or is that just when I’m the one coming?”

“I swear to god...”

“Two this morning?”

“Yep, just the two of us, ma’am.”

“Right this way. Booth or table?”

“Booth please.”

“Here you go, your server will be with you in a moment. Enjoy!”

“Oh, we will, ma’am, thank you.”

“Jared...”

“Hello, I’m Marco, your server today. What can I get you gentlemen to drink?”

“I’ll take some orange juice, please and coffee. Jensen?”

“Just coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.”

“I’ll be right back with those and to take your orders.”

Neither spoke again until Marco had delivered their drinks and they ordered. Jared got his usual – enough to feed three people – and Jensen ordered a steak omelet. Jensen was frowning when their sever left the table.

“What’s up?”

“I don’t like how he was looking at you.”

“Who?”

“Melvin.”

“Who?”

“Our waitress.”

Jared laughed. “His name is Marco, which I’m sure you remember from _five minutes ago_ and he is most definitely not a waitress.”

“Whatever. He’s gonna be one if he doesn’t stop eye fucking you when I’m right here!”

“Would you rather he eye fuck me when you were gone?”

“What?”

“I mean it seems your only _real_ objection is when he’s doing it right in front of you, right?” Jensen scowled even harder. “Would it be better if he only did it say, while you were in the bathroom?”

“Figures. I had to go and fall in love with a grammar nazi,” Jensen muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing honey.”

Jared laughed. “You’re so cu...”

“If you say cute, I’m going to let Melvin have you. I mean it.” Jensen interrupted.

“Well that’s not what I was going to say at all.”

“Really? Then what were you going to say?”

“That you were so curiously curmudgeonly when you get like this, of course.”

“Curiously curmudgeonly? Really?”

Jared shrugged, an adorable wide eyed look on his face. “What else?”

Jensen shook his head. “It’s a good thing you’re so adorable, I swear to god.”

“I _am_ adorable aren’t I?”

They flirted for a bit before Jensen caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Marco standing by their table, sneaking peeks at Jared as he sat up the tray bearing their food. Jensen arched a brow then narrowed his eyes as Marco served Jared first, lingering far longer than three plates of food warranted. Marco smiled as he served Jensen, but kept sneaking glances at Jared.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“We’re fine.” Jensen stated firmly. “Thank you.”

Marco smiled at him and left.

“Jensen!” Jared complained. “I wanted some hot sauce and ketchup.”

“Oh, for fuck’s...Hold on. I’ll be right back.” Jensen went after Marco, clearing his throat to get his attention. “My boyfriend changed his mind. Can I get some ketchup and hot sauce?”

Marco looked disappointed for a moment, then smiled and grabbed Jensen what he wanted. “Oh, and can we have some extra napkins? He’s kind of a messy eater.”

Marco laughed. “Of course, here you go. Anything else?”

“Nope, that’s it, Melvin, thanks.”

“Marco.”

“Oh, right, sorry about that. Thanks Marco.”

Jared was glaring when Jensen got back to the table. “What?”

“Messy eater? Thanks for that, _Jeremiah_.”

“Aww, don’t be like that baby.”

“I will if I want to, Justin.”

“Fine. I’ll lay off. But I swear if he makes a move on you...”

“Jensen. If he makes a move on me, you’re welcome to call him Melvin while you’re drowning him in ketchup, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Jealous bastard.”

“Territorial, Jared. There’s a difference.”

“And what difference is that, exactly?” Jared asked, brows arched into his hairline.

“Jealousy is when you want something you can’t have.” Jensen leaned forward, voice low and deep. “I have what I want and me? I defend what’s mine.” Jensen funneled his fingers through Jared’s hair, pulling him close enough to feel Jensen’s breath on his face. “That, sweetheart is the difference.”

A soft noise drew their attention from each other. Marco was standing at their table his face flushed, voice breathless as he said, “Your check. I hope you’re enjoying your meal. Let me know if there’s anything else I can get you today.” His eyes didn’t skitter over Jared once, but both Jared and Jensen noticed the almost envious glances he and a couple of other servers cast their way afterward.

“God, you’re going to be insufferable, aren’t you?”

“Don’t pout baby, it’s hard being this awesome.”

Jensen started laughing when he noticed Jared had stopped eating long enough to glare at him. “Hey, at least I’m hot, right? That should make up for a lot.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Don’t think your stupid freckles and perfect jawline are going to get you out of everything.”

Jensen batted his eyelashes. “You say that now.”

They finished their meal and Jared made Jensen leave Marco a large tip. “I did NOT harass him,” Jensen grumbled as he slipped the money under the check. And if Jared kept the fact that Marco waved at him as they left, that was no one’s concern but his. No one needed a morning fist fight at IHOP. They had a trip to take.

Jensen loved the beaches at Galveston, but, swear to god, if Jared said Pleasure Pier one more time in that pervy tone of his, Jensen was going to...well, nothing. Jensen was going to do nothing. Because Jared had him twisted around his oversized pinky like a goddamn...pinky ring. Groaning, Jensen dropped his head to the steering wheel as Jared chattered away beside him. He couldn’t even come up with decent analogies anymore. Or was that a simile? Jesus christ.

“Jensen?”

Jensen jerked his head up, checking the light and then turning to Jared when it was still red.

“What’s going on?”

“It may have just occurred to me exactly how whipped I already am.”

Jared threw his head back and laughed, one as huge as he was tall. “Pretty sure I realized that weeks ago. Green light.”

Jensen grunted and pulled out into traffic, following the last few signs to the Pier.

**

He and Jared grabbed their backpacks and headed to the beach first. “Did you bring a suit?”

“Yeah. I want to swim.”

“There’s a place to change up here.” Jensen paid for parking and they quickly changed into their swim shorts and hit the beach. They spread their blanket out, made sure they did their due diligence with sunscreen (Jensen especially) and headed into the water.

They swam and played in the waves for hours. Jared was a little reticent at first to kiss or even hug Jensen in public, especially here in Texas, but Galveston had a long history of LGBT tolerance and openness rarely found in this state. They got some looks and a sneer or two, but they were both tall and broad shouldered and definitely Texas boys. No one was bothered enough to make it a real issue.

“You want some lunch baby? It’s late. We can eat a late lunch and a late supper, or wait and just eat a big supper. What do you think?”

“I think that you must not love me as much as you’re always saying, that’s what I think.”

“Oh, god. What now?”

“Did you actually suggest _not eating_ to me?”

“What, no, I just meant it’s almost 2 o’clock. If we eat now, you won’t be hungry for su...” Jensen cut himself off. “You know what, I…honestly I don’t know what came over me.”

Jared stretched his arms out. “Right? I thought you’d lost your mind for a second.”

“I can’t believe I thought, even for a second, that you actually wouldn’t be able to eat.”

Jared patted Jensen on the back, a sympathetic look on his face. “I hear it happens sometimes as you get older.”

“As I get old...Alright that does it.” Jensen tackled Jared to the sand, holding him as the waves lapped at the beach’s edge were they were laying, getting closer and closer to Jared.

Jared fought weakly, pretending to be trapped, when they both knew Jared could break Jensen's hold if he really wanted to. At nineteen, Jared was all lean, long muscle and gangly slim limbs. He worked out regularly, and it would be a bit before he started to bulk up, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t strong. Jensen had seen Jared angry and he could be as intimidating as he was adorable.

Jensen, at 21 was broad shouldered but lithe, his face a little too pretty and his hair a little too blonde. Jared loved the cut of Jensen's abs, the definition in his biceps and his slim hips. Jensen loved the fact he could put Jared where he wanted him and was strong enough to keep him there unless Jared really put up a fight.

Jared was fake pleading with Jensen to not let him drown. Jensen died laughing when the waves finally washed over them and they barely wet Jared’s hair.

“Well, that was kind of a let down.”

“Yeah, not much of a threat when you try to drown me with a two inch wave.”

“I didn’t try to drown you, Jared,” Jensen commented dryly as he helped Jared to his feet.

“Did too. I was there.”

“You said I was old.”

“You are old...er.” Jared grinned at Jensen.

“Two years, Jared, not a decade.”

“Thank god, I mean obviously I’m into older men, but that’s just creepy.”

“You’re into an older MAN,” Jensen corrected, gathering their things.

“Sure,” Jared agreed readily. “Man. Wait, did you mean you?”

Jensen growled and chased after Jared as he ran to the showers. Half an hour later, showered and redressed, Jared and Jensen were waiting to be seated for lunch. Jensen absentmindedly played with Jared’s hair.

“I’m going to let it grow, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, maybe to the base of my neck. All of it, you know, not just the top.” Jared’s hair was soft and silky, even damp from his shower. It was longer on top and still kept close to his neck and shorter underneath. “I think...I think I’d like that some days. What do you think?”

“You know how much I love your hair, sweetheart. It would be more for me to play with, right?”

Jared smiled at him and darted forward to press a quick kiss to Jensen's mouth. “Right.”

“You could put it up if it got in the way or put one of your beanies on.”

Jared grinned, “Yeah.”

Once they were seated and their drinks were on their way, Jared started fidgeting.

“What’s up, baby?”

“I need to talk to you about...about some things.”

Jensen could see servers moving in and out of his peripheral vision. “How about you hold on until we get our orders placed and we won’t be disturbed for awhile. Is that okay?”

Just then, their server bustled back and they placed their orders. Jensen scooted a little closer to Jared.

“Is everything okay, baby?”

“Yeah, I just...No. I’m having a problem.”

“Oh, sweetheart, what problem?”

“I...What if I wanted to be more...” Jared faltered.

“Sweetheart? More what?”

“What if I wanted to be more... _me_?”

Jensen struggled to understand for a moment. “What...Do you mean you want to stop pretending at school and stuff? That you feel the same every day, I mean?”

“Yeah.”

Jensen didn’t really understand what Jared was going through, and it frustrated him that he couldn’t help him. But he understood that frustration, at least. Jensen had ranted and screamed enough about what he went through that Jared had some idea, but he didn’t know any more about OCD than Jensen knew about...whatever it was Jared was dealing with. Hell, he didn’t even know if it had a name.

Jensen had googled it, trying to get a better handle on what his boyfriend went through, but nothing seemed to match. Genderfluid was close, but Jared didn’t feel like a female some days and a male others, he was always a male, and, from what he said, that was never in question for him. It was just that some days, he felt more feminine than he did on other days. He was also more submissive those days, but researching that angle hadn’t given him any more idea than anything else had.

Some days Jared was brash and loud and obnoxiously masculine – burping and farting and punching his way through the day. Other days, he was quieter. He deferred to Jensen more, spending more of his time standing behind Jensen than he did dragging Jensen along behind him. He was more elegant.

Everything about him was softer; his voice, his mannerisms, even his laugh. He would dress differently, too – nicer jeans or dress pants, soft sweaters and shirts he had saved for those days, scarves around his neck. His hair was always uncovered on those days. He touched Jensen more and he spent those days as close to Jensen as he could get.

Jensen loved Jared for all of those days.

“Baby, I love you. You act, dress and be whatever you want.”

“You won’t be embarrassed?”

“By you?”

Jared nodded.

“Sweetheart, I don’t care if you’re the most flamboyantly gay man since Frank-N-Furter sang about sweet transvestites in lingerie.” Jensen covered Jared’s hands where he had been picking at his nails in nervousness. “I love you for you. As long as the you, you are isn’t a serial killer.” Jensen paused. “Or a robber. Or a rapis...”

Jared pulled his hand away and covered Jensen's mouth. “Shut up, Jensen.”

Jensen snorted and bit at the fingers covering his mouth.

“I was just saying.”

“I heard what you were saying, that’s why I wanted it to stop.”

“I swear, try to pay some people a compliment.”

“Uh huh. And by the way, Frank-N-Furter wasn’t gay.”

“I know, he’d sleep with anyone. I was just using him for the analogy.”

“Pretty sure that’s more of a metaphor.”

“Goddammit. I never do get those right.”

“Thank god you’re in love with a grammar nazi then.”

“Right?”

Their food came at that moment, and their server briefly touched Jensen on the shoulder as she told them to let her know if they needed anything else. Jared frowned until she moved away.

“You okay, sweetheart?”

“I didn’t like Becky Sue hanging all over you, that’s all.”

“Ooh, kitty has claws tonight.”

“Keep flirting with our waitress and you’ll see first hand.”

“I wasn’t...wait, is her name actually Becky Sue?”

“No! Of course not! I was just being snotty, like you were with...”

“Melvin?” Jensen cut in.

“ _Marco_ , yes. You really didn’t notice her name?”

“No Jared, I was a little more concerned about what had upset you. I know I should have paid more attention to her, but she wasn’t what I was interested in.”

Mollified, Jared sat back in his seat. “I still don’t like her. She should learn to keep her hands to herself.”

“Don’t be so hard on her sweetheart. It’s a challenge being around all this,” Jensen swept his arm down, indicating his body, “and not touching.”

“Wow.” Jared intoned.

“I always thought so.”

“Wooow,” Jared repeated. “Jensen, should I move to another table do you think?”

“Why would you move?”

“I wouldn’t want to crowd you and your ego.”

“Nah, we’re fine.”

“As long as you’re sure,” Jared said dryly, cutting into his steak. “Speaking of okay, are you?”

“I’m fine, Jared.”

“I mean with the restaurant and everything.”

Jensen smiled at Jared, briefly cupping Jared’s cheek. “I’m fine, baby. I’ve eaten here a few times before on trips.”

“Oh, good.”

Jensen was thrilled that Jared cared enough to ask him how he was handling eating out in what might be a strange place, but he couldn’t help but notice Jared still seemed a little pensive as he ate.

“Baby? You got more on your mind?”

“Well, sort of...” Jared hedged.

“Sweetheart, spit it out. What’s bothering you?”

“You.”

“Me? What about me?” Jensen wasn’t panicking. Nope. Not at all.

“You...” Jared laid his cutlery down, placing his hands flat on the table. Jensen was frozen in place. “You take such good care of me, Jensen. I love how much you watch out for me and the way you love me.”

“But?” Jensen ground out.

“You maybe take a little too much care of me, Jensen.”

Some of the tension eased from Jensen’s body. “Are you saying I coddle you too much, sweetheart?”

“Sort of, yeah.”

“I see. Okay. Well, I...” Jensen stopped. “What do I do that you don’t like?”

“It’s not really like that, Jensen.” Jared stopped and frustration edged his tone when he started back. “It’s just...I’m not weak, you know? Even on _those_ days. I can take care of myself.”

“Jared, I know that. It’s just…I don’t know, how I am.” Jensen shrugged and continued. “It doesn’t really have anything to do with you being...you.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Don’t sound so skeptical, I mean it. It wouldn’t matter to me if you looked like The Rock or if you looked like Liberace. I’d still smother you.”

“Liberace?” Jared said faintly. “Wow.” Shaking his head, he moved on. “You don’t smother me, Jensen. It’s just... I guess it’s because I’m so unsure about everything. I mean, we don’t even know how to talk about it properly.”

“I looked it up.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I tried anyway. I didn’t do a very good job. The closest I could really find was the term genderfluid, that was pretty close, but not really entirely you. You don’t wake up one morning and feel like one gender or another.”

“I can’t believe you researched that for me.”

“Did you look up OCD?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I love you, Jared.” Jensen put his hand on Jared’s thigh. “Not only that, but I’m _interested_ in you. I care about the things that affect you, the things you care about. Of course I looked it up.”

Jared beamed at Jensen. “I’ve done some research of my own.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I went online and talked to some people. Talked to some from the GSA. It...It helped me a lot. I think I have a name for me.”

“You do? What is it?”

“I’m genderqueer.”

“Genderqueer.” Jensen said it a couple times, rolling it around his mouth and over his tongue. “I like that. Does it have a formal definition or anything?”

“It does. It basically means that I don’t subscribe to conventional ideas of gender. People that are genderqueer can identify with both genders, a combination of male and female genders, or no gender at all.”

“Does it help?”

“A little, yeah. It makes me feel better that I have something to call myself. Maybe one day I won’t need a label so much, but right now, honestly, I’m kind of lost. I never know when I’m going to wake up and want to wear nicer, softer things; to _be_ softer and prettier, like I am today. There’s nothing definite about it at all. It helps to have _something_ sort of definite, even if it’s just a name for it.”

“I’m glad, baby.” Jensen paused for a moment. “Sweetheart, I’ve noticed something else during those days, too, and I...” Jensen cut himself off, taking a deep breath. “I’m going to get into so much trouble for this. Fuck.”

“For what, Jensen?” Jared looked sort of alarmed. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve noticed those days you’re more...submissive, too.”

Jared’s eyebrows skyrocketed. “Huh. I hadn’t really noticed that. Submissive, you say?”

“You defer to me more then. You look to me to make more decisions and you tend to stay closer to me. Days when you’re not feeling quite so feminine, you go your own way. Sure you still ask my opinion on things, but you don’t look to me to keep you safe, to take care of you, quite as much. And I just...well, I was wondering if you were interested in things like that...like submission.”

“I...” Jared sat back in his seat and took a few minutes to think. “I kind of think I am. I like it, on days like that, when you lead me. When I don’t have to control things. I like you to take over. Is that...Is that something you like?”

“You have no idea how much I enjoy that, Jared. But I don’t want you to constantly worry that I think you’re weak.”

“I know you don’t, Jensen. Now, anyway. Now that we’ve talked about it.” Jared smiled at Jensen through his bangs. “Maybe we need to do some more research.”

“Maybe we should, sweetheart.” Jensen brushed the hair out of Jared’s eyes. “Ready to go ride some rides, baby?”

“Yeah.” Jensen could practically see Jared vibrating with excitement and signaled for the check. “I haven’t been here since I was little.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Jensen.”

“And thank you for coming with me, sweetheart.”


	6. Chapter 6

Galveston’s Pleasure Pier was 1000 feet packed full of 12 rides, two roller coasters, a double-decker carousel and a 100-foot tall Ferris wheel. There were midway games, ride pictures and a ton of food and sweets. As soon as they stepped off the shuttle, Jared announced his intention to try out everything on the pier he could fit into. Jensen closed his eyes briefly and followed behind quietly like a good boyfriend should.

Jensen tried to act surprised when Jared’s first stop after buying tickets was a candy shop, but he just couldn’t pull it off effectively. Jared laughed at Jensen’s put upon expression and dragged him to the first stop.

An hour later, Jensen had done a lot of standing in line. There was the swing carousel, the teacups Jensen did not want to ride and the rock and roll ride that Jensen and Jared laughed all the way through. They were currently standing in line to ride the double-decker carousel Jensen had fought against riding. Well, had fought against until Jared pulled out his puppy dog eyes and pouty bottom lip. God save Jensen, he was never going to win any argument ever again. He’d simply shook his head and motioned Jared to the ride.

Jared was high on sugar and excitement and Jensen probably would have enjoyed the rides if he could have ever taken his eyes off Jared. Midway games like ring toss and whac-a-mole and hoops filled in time between the log flume ride that soaked them and the rotating sky ride that dried them off.

There was the looping coaster next which made Jensen very glad he hadn’t eaten at every restaurant like Jared had, and had left Jared leaning heavily against Jensen for a few precious moments. Jensen petted Jared until he felt better and dragged Jensen to the two swing rides that sent Jared screaming, but didn’t upset his obviously lead lined stomach.

Jensen won Jared a stuffed lizard at the balloon pop, and Jared won Jensen a pretty unicorn at the hi striker strong man game while Jensen batted his lashes and simpered beside him – offering Jared a kiss on the cheek for his amazing feat of strength while Jared showed off his biceps to anyone that looked his way.

It wasn’t long before the night started to fall, and Jared headed to the rides he’d saved for the dark – the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel. They rode the coaster first, the piercing lights of the pier pushing back the darkness and the cool evening air pulling Jared and Jensen’s screams from the twisting coaster far out into the night.

The Ferris wheel was the second highest spot on the pier and was mesmerizing at night. The air was blessedly cool after the heat of the day, and the lights cast a beautiful glow to everything, making even the most worn spot on the pier almost magical. Jared and Jensen were quiet as the wheel glided through the night, watching the play of lights over the waters of the Gulf and listening to the shouts of laughter and joy below them.

Jensen kissed Jared at the top of the wheel. Jared returned the favor on their second trip.

Jared was radiant, whether from joy or from the slight sunburn turning his pointy nose and cheeks red, but Jensen wasn’t going to quibble over the small stuff. They’d ridden every ride they wanted to and eaten way too much food. It was an amazing day. After their Ferris wheel ride, Jared had turned to him and sadly mentioned they should probably be on their way back home.

“Not yet, sweetheart. I have a little surprise for you first.”

“You do? What, Jensen?”

“I’ve booked us a room in a nearby hotel. I got late check in. We just have to go sign in and then we can come back and stay however long you’d like.”

Jared grinned, “Really? A hotel? That’s awesome Jensen! I don’t have any clothes for tomorrow, though.”

“Don’t worry about it, baby. We’ll buy you something.”

“Jensen, I don’t mean to be rude, but where are you getting the money for all this?”

“I do work for Jeff, you know. He pays me and everything. I pay the cable bill, the water bill and buy some of the food. The rest is mine to buy car and bike parts and spoil you with.”

“I love you Jensen. You know you don’t have to do that for me. I have some money of my own, too.”

“I know I don’t have to, Jared. I want to.”

Jared smiled at Jensen and kissed him softly.

“Come on, let’s see if I remember where the car is.”

**

It took less than fifteen minutes to find their hotel, and when they pulled into the parking lot, Jared was practically bouncing.

“A Sheraton hotel,” Jared noted. “Jensen, anywhere would have been fine for me.”

“I know baby, but I’ve stayed here before with my parents.”

Jared gave Jensen one of those sad smiles he always had when he’d forgotten about Jensen’s OCD. “Sorry, baby.”

“Hey, no, it’s okay. Grab your backpack, let’s go.”

The hotel wasn’t anything fancy but it was lovely and clean. The rooms were a little small but the bed was large and comfortable and they had an ocean view.

“Jensen?” Jared almost whispered.

“What baby?”

“Can we take a nap?”

“Of course, baby.”

Jared used the bathroom and undressed, carefully putting his clothes on the hangers the room provided.

“We’ll go shopping after we wake up, okay?”

“Thank you Jensen.”

“Anything for you, Jared.”

Climbing in, Jared settled down to sleep.

**

Jared learned pretty quickly that if there was anything that Jensen loved as much as Jared, it was sleep. Lots of it. Jensen did his best to make sure he only took early morning classes when he was forced to, and, though he was used to those early mornings, he also loved a nice, long sleep. Jensen was lying with his face smashed against Jared’s back like always and hadn’t so much as budged in the fifteen minutes Jared had been awake.

Unfortunately, what Jared loved most besides Jensen was food. And Jensen's love and his were not currently compatible. Jared gnawed on his lower lip for a moment, contemplating the best and quickest way to wake Jensen. He settled for twisting around and running his fingers delicately over Jensen’s sleep slack face.

Jensen’s nose twitched and his jaw bunched. Jared continued. Jensen batted at Jared’s hands, grunting. Jared persevered and added gently blowing in Jensen’s ear to the mix. One of Jensen’s eyes popped open. Jared grinned sweetly at him.

“Sex or food?” He groaned.

Jared’s stomach growled before Jared could even answer. Jensen sighed and pulled himself up. “Give me just a few.” Jared clapped and hopped up to get dressed.

“I love the way you love me, Jensen.”

“You mean you love the way I cave to your every whim anytime you turn those frigging bambi eyes my way.” Jensen called from the bathroom.

“Well, yeah. That too, even though, honestly at this point I don’t even need to break the eyes out all that often.”

“Don’t get cocky, mister. I’m not _that_ far gone.” Jensen glared as he walked back into the room.

“I thought you liked it when I got cock-y.”

“I see what you did there and no, it’s not as clever as you think it is.”

Jared pouted. “Is too. I bet Marco would have thought it was pretty clever.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes and jerked Jared tight against him. “And I bet Becky Sue would love to find out exactly how clever I am, don’t you think?”

Jared glared and dropped his mouth to Jensen's neck, deliberately sucking and biting a mark there.

Jensen snorted. “I thought so.” Jared grinned at Jensen, and licked the spot he’d just worried into Jensen’s skin. “Let’s go pain in my ass, before you pass out from hunger.”

Jared kissed him softly before they left.

**

Jared and Jensen had a deliciously fresh seafood dinner at a restaurant they had walked to then gone shopping for the essentials and a new outfit for Jared, learning quickly how not fun shopping in a tourist area could be. They passed the Pier on their way back to the hotel and Jared smiled, then assured Jensen he had ridden enough rides for the day and just wanted to go back to their room. Jensen happily obliged.

“Baby, I’m going to shower. You okay to go last?”

“Aww, didn’t you ever learn to share, sweetheart?”

“My crayons, yes. A shower stall I can barely fit into by myself? No.”

Jensen laughed. “Just save me some hot water.”

“Maybe,” Jared laughed, then closed and locked the door against Jensen’s complaints and threats. Jared quickly washed off the sweat and grime of the day, then towel-dried his hair and body. Draping the towel around his hips, he stepped into the bedroom. “Your turn.”

Jensen got up from the bed and approached Jared. “Mmm you smell good, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, baby. You don’t. Shower is that way.”

“Wow you really know how to hurt a guy, don’t you?”

“The only thing hurting here is my nose.”

Jensen huffed a laugh and went to shower.

Jared waited for the shower to turn on, then dropped his towel, pulling the small bottle of lube out of his pocket that he’d managed to sneakily buy while Jensen was in the bathroom at the store. Making himself comfortable on his side, he slicked up his fingers, circling his hole slowly. He squeezed his thighs rhythmically, his cock just barely trapped between them.

It had been months since Jared had had sex and even longer since he’d been fucked and he was more than ready. He had to grit his teeth to stop a moan as he slid first one then another finger into his ass, fingers hooked then spread, a gentle stretch and burn to prepare for Jensen's cock. He was up to three when he heard the shower stop.

Flipping onto his back, he slipped his hand back under his hips his weight on one hip, spearing himself open on three fingers while he idly cupped and stroked his balls and taint with his other hand. Jensen stepped out of the bathroom minutes later, a towel tied loosely at his hips.

“Okay, your highness, do I sm...” Jensen froze when he saw Jared, legs splayed wide, hips churning his ass on the three fingers he’d worked second knuckle deep inside. “Jared,” Jensen breathed, emotions flitting across his face like frames of a slowed down movie. Surprise. Relief. Happiness. Love. Lust. As Jared watched, Jensen’s face settled into something feral and dark.

“Jensen,” Jared called. “Come closer.”

Jensen obliged, damp fingers trailing up and over Jared’s hard cock as he reached the bed. “Fuck yourself, sweetheart, that’s right. Let me hear you.” Jensen walked to the end of the bed, watching for a moment before he leaned over Jared, strong hands clamped to Jared’s knees and pushing them even further apart.

“Don’t come, sweetheart.” That made Jared catch his breath, his teeth clamped into his lower lip with the effort to ride that edge. Jensen leaned over him further and water dripped off his hair, cold on Jared’s heated skin. Droplets hit Jared’s cock and he bucked up against them. Jensen noticed, and slipped a hand off Jared to push through his wet hair instead. Jared moaned louder before starting to beg. “Jensen, please, let me come.”

“Not yet, baby.” Jared groaned. “Hold on for me, Jared.”

“Pull those fingers out, Jared.” Jared did, letting his knees fall closed. “No, no, sweetheart. Open those knees. I want to see.”

Jared opened his knees as wide as he could, letting Jensen look his fill. “You’ve got a gorgeous cock, sweetheart. Big and veiny with a perfect set of balls. I like that you groom but don’t shave.” As Jensen talked, he moved his face closer and closer to Jared’s skin. Jared lay still, his hips swaying faintly in response to Jensen's smooth voice sliding across his body. Jensen was so close, Jared could feel the puffs of Jensen's breath across his balls as Jensen talked.

Jared startled and jerked when Jensen grasped the cheeks of Jared’s ass, thumbs digging into the crease and fingers pushed tight into the muscle around it. Jensen dropped to his knees and pulled Jared open with his thumbs. “Mmm what a pretty hole, sweetheart. I’m gonna be in there soon, aren’t I, baby?” Jared moaned at the thought then let out a grunt as Jensen took his hands off Jared’s ass just to wrap them around his legs and haul Jared to the edge of the bed.

“Feet back flat on the bed, Jared. There we go. Knees wide, baby.” Jensen buried his face in Jared’s ass, nosing along his balls and taint. “You smell so good, sweetheart. Let’s see how you taste.”

Jared moaned again as Jensen licked and sucked his way down Jared’s taint to his hole. Jensen rolled his tongue, dragging the point in a tight circle over Jared’s slick, loosened hole. Jensen gave his all to just about everything he did, and eating out Jared was no different. He used the flat of his tongue to clear the lube and then gather the deep bitter flavor of Jared and the stiff rolled tip to delve inside where he was eager for his fingers then cock to follow.

“Jensen, Jensen, stop. You’ve got to stop. I’m going to come.”

“Hold on, Jared.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Jensen, god. Fuck me, baby, now. I want to come with you deep inside me. Come on, Jensen.”

“Okay, sweetheart, okay. I need the lube, Jared.”

Jared scrambled around for the bottle, then tossed it to Jensen, anticipation making him impatient.

Jensen slicked up his cock and swirled his fingers over Jared’s hole, then pressed his thumb in to test his readiness. Jared strained upward, a silent demand. Jensen leaned forward, planted his hands on either side of Jared’s hips and pressed kisses to his abdomen.

“Here we go, baby.” Jensen took his cock in one hand, rubbing the tip over Jared’s hole, barely pushing. Jared stirred his hips, restless, and would have tried to force Jensen inside if he thought he could get away with it. “So gorgeous, sweetheart.”

“Jensen, I’m ready. Please. Come on.” What was Jensen doing, just standing there, looking? That was a real problem.

“Easy, baby, I’ll...”

“I swear to god, Jensen, you’re going to make me lose my mind. If you don’t get your dick in my ass soon I’m going to put you on your back and make you!”

Jensen laughed, then pressed his grinning face to Jared’s stomach. “You make me all tingly when you get pushy like that, sweetheart.”

“Jensen,” Jared warned.

With one last kiss to Jared’s stomach, Jensen propped a knee on the bed underneath Jared’s leg and then pushed Jared’s legs back and pressed inside Jared, all in one quick smooth push, stopping when he was just inside.

Jared had missed the burn and stretch of being fucked. The bite of pain to go with all the pleasure. “Oh,” he moaned, “move, Jensen, move.”

Jensen did as he was told, setting up a smooth, churning stroke that had them both groaning. “Not gonna last long, sweetheart.”

“Close, Jensen. Go for stamina some other time. Need to come, now.”

Jensen pulled out, and slicked his hand quickly with lube and sweat from his cock, ignoring the unhappy noises Jared was making. As he pushed back in, he wrapped his hand around Jared’s cock. “Such a gorgeous cock, baby. Come for me, Jared.”

As he found just the right angle to pound Jared’s prostate, Jensen circled the tip of Jared’s cock against his palm, before clamping his fist around the shaft, jacking Jared fast and hard, Jensen’s hips battering his prostate with the same rhythm.

Jared came, spitting Jensen's name half like a curse and the other half like the prayer of thanks it was. Jensen dropped Jared’s cock and grabbed his legs, pressing them to Jared’s chest as he set a quick and brutal pace, the clutch of Jared’s ass and his body twitching under Jensen’s hands sending his rhythm into a stuttering mess before he finally stiffened and came.

“Jared. Sweetheart.”

“Mmm. Kiss me, Jensen.”

“Roger that, just as soon as I can move.”

“I hope that’s before my legs fall off. How much do you weigh, anyway?”

Jensen just laughed before gingerly pulling out of Jared and standing on shaky legs. “Be right back, sweetheart.” Jensen went to the bathroom and quickly cleaned himself up, wetting a washcloth for Jared. Jared was exactly where Jensen had left him, arms akimbo and legs were Jensen dropped them when he pulled out of Jared and stood up. Jensen leaned over and ran his tongue through some of the come on Jared’s stomach, Jared’s muscles jumping underneath Jensen's mouth.

Quickly, Jensen cleaned Jared up, murmuring to him about forgotten condoms and how he’d been tested recently so there was no issue there.

“I’m clean too, Jensen. We’re good.” Jared’s voice was languid, deep and rough like he’d been screaming, and Jensen wanted him all over again. Looking down at Jared’s still body, Jensen knew that would have to wait.

“Come on, baby, let’s get in bed.”

“’M fine. Just leave me right here.”

Jensen laughed and reached to haul Jared up. “Come on Sasquatch, let’s go.”

Jared simply leaned against Jensen as he pulled back the covers on the bed, then flopped into bed like a rag doll. Jensen flipped off the lights, laughing as he went. Sliding into bed, he pulled Jared to him.

“I love you, Jensen.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

Jared turned toward Jensen, sliding down into the bed so their faces were even. Jensen was smiling at him, his mouth soft and his eyes full of love. “Kiss me, Jensen.”

Jensen was happy to oblige.

**

Jensen and Jared checked out of the hotel and headed home. Jared cast a wistful smile at the ocean, and leaned over and kissed Jensen as Jensen buckled in, ready to drive.

“Thank you for the trip, Jensen.”

Jensen just smiled. “We’ll come back soon.”

The trip home started with arguing over where to stop for lunch and what to listen to on the way home. Jensen made fun of the pop stations Jared kept choosing and Jared harassed Jensen for his love of classic rock, even though both liked pretty much any music, and Jared might like classic rock more than Jensen did.

Then there was a moment, the interstate running smooth, Jared singing to one of Jensen's favorite songs on the radio, window down so Jared could feel the wind in his hair. Jared turned to him, mouth wide open as he sang, his hair blowing around his face like a halo.

That moment, for Jensen, was perfect in a way his life rarely was. His demon was quiet and still, drowned out by [Kaleo](https://youtu.be/0YySkt6--h0), Jared and the wind in Jensen’s face.

He looked at Jared, beautiful even in the harsh morning sun and couldn’t stop the grin on his face. Jared blew him a kiss, then went right back to singing his heart out, the wind stealing half his words.

Jensen was happy.

Jensen was in love.

He opened his mouth and sang.

 

_Tell your secrets to the night_

_You do yours and I do mine_

_So we won't have to keep them all inside_

_Oh, for one so pure_

_Can't be sold_

_Don't let your feelings take control_

_Hold on to the one thing he's begging for_

 

_Woah now_

_Save yourself_

_Oh won't you save yourself_

_Go on and save yourself for someone else_

_Yes darlin' save yourself_

_Oh won't you save yourself_

_So go on and save yourself for someone else_

 

_Woah are you gonna break?_

_Yeah are you gonna break?_

_Woah what's it gonna take?_

_Yeah are you gonna break?_

 


End file.
